our wedding

this isn't even close to all of the wedding and reception photos, but i figured this would be enough for my blog. thank you penny, for agreeing to marry me when i proposed. and thank you for making today such a magical day. not too many people can say they had a spring wedding right before christmas, eh? hahaha. i felt like a princess <3

teaser

once i get my hands on all the photos, i'll do a proper blog post about how december 23rd will be full of good memories for me.

i'm on tour!

what?! no way!

yes! i totally am!

i teamed up with the Trans Siberian Orchestra Tribute Band and we've been touring across second life! i've done a few shows now and holy fucking shit is it amazing. and intense. sooooooo intense. here's a video of the real life tour, which we are copying:

everything you see here we are doing in sl. lasers, fire, spotlights, moving stages, extra singers, you name it we're doing it. TSO in sl is celebrating it's tenth year this year, and i am so glad i get to be a part of it! seeing all the reactions from the crowd as we imitate life in the best way possible has been beyond mind-blowing.

with every show i'm just completely blown away, even though i'm working my butt off doing my part to bring such a legendary show to life. here's to several more tour dates, and i'm definitely doing this next time around!

december

this month has been... hard.

it's only now december eighth at 1:56 am, but it feels like it's way later in the month. the last few weeks have drained me, both physically and emotionally. after i received some devastating news about a family member, i waited on pins and needles with my aunts and uncles and cousins to find out more information.

the updates that did come in didn't paint too bright of a future, and then the family member themselves posted the results of the tests.

terminal.

i ended up traveling a few hundred miles to see them for a few days, and only returned earlier this week. it feels like a year has past in just three weeks' time. we're already planning a third trip (my mother and brother visited without me on the first one), but i'm wondering if there's enough time.

the prognosis was short.

as a precaution i said my goodbyes before i left to return home, and we've all been sharing stories and memories. it feels like my immediate family members and i are all holding our collective breaths.

hospice has already stepped in, prepping my family member to make them as comfortable as possible. we know the time is coming, we just don't know when.

if they make it to christmas, it'll be the last one they see on this earth.

quiet

i know i haven't posted anything at all this month. this year i was all about blogging my feelings and my various emotions, but with the blowup earlier this year it kind of killed it for me. it was very draining to know my words were being gone over with a fine tooth comb, people searching for something i've said or allegedly alluded to so they can fuel their agendas.

every time when i thought it would be over and i could relax, i'd get wind of yet another hissy fit because of my words. it was exhausting having to watch what i said on my own blog just to avoid blowups. i hated censoring myself, and i very much resent the person who caused me to do so.

over and over i kept hearing, "be the bigger person. you're better than her" when she and her cohorts were allowed to do whatever they wanted. it was exhausting showing more grace and maturity over an issue that didn't actually involve me.

yes, i have some petty entries. i'm a human being who got fed up with having to be more mature than a forty-three year old cesspool of a human being. of course i have an entry trolling her and her flying monkeys. why wouldn't i?

there's absolutely no reason to put my ass on a pedestal and demand that i be infallible while shitstain on wheels got to be completely monstrous to me. i hated every second of it, and i resented a lot of people for it.

as more time passed and her posse showed no signs of slowing, i got madder and madder. i kept asking why i had to be the adult, when this is my damn blog and the only way to read it is with the link. so i started another blog with no ties to this one, and only gave a trusted few the link.

it didn't really help. i just couldn't shake the anger over nearly abandoning a place of peace for me, just because a fat fucking cow hopped on her broom and decided to have a problem with me. i'm sick of people telling me that i have to be nice, i have to rise above, i can't retaliate.

fuck every single one of you who harped that, by the way.


it ended up boiling down to me not posting so that bitch for brains and her fuckstain of a fuckbuddy would leave me alone for good. well i ain't done yet, and i really don't have time for anymore bullshit from either of them.

am i going to go out of my way to bug those two idiots? nope. if they're still reading my blog then they can go fuck themselves with the last vestiges of their dignity because i'm drawing the line. this is my blog. i talk about what i want. and the only way i'm gonna be able to truly move on from this is when they get their ultimate comeuppance.

i already have one thing to celebrate about as their lives fall apart, and it's only a matter of time before i get a second one. may both of those assholes rot in the furthest point of hell.

october

this month has been pretty crazy, lots of ups and downs. i don't even really know where to begin, there's just been so much. hopefully pretty soon things will calm back down and i can settle back into a routine.

i've been having so much fun at my second job that i've been chafing without doing shifts there. my coworkers are all so great we're like a big happy family. i've thought about picking up another shift or two to earn a little more coin, but right now that would be insane until things stabilize.

thankfully my bosses are pretty understanding and have been patient with me while i deal with things irl on my end. i've been keeping in touch, and they've been rooting for me while i root for them back. i even got my mom to sign up to play sl, but i think she's only gonna be on when i am.

for some reason all the tutorial stuff was set in london city, so she was lagging pretty badly. i had to take over for her and get her out of there because she got frustrated. i got lots of question marks when i explained fps, lag, and avatar complexity but i know she'll get the hang of it.

sent a couple landmarks her way, and when i build my wallet back up i'm gonna tweak her avatar into something custom since she's just running around with the one she signed up with. got her firestorm too, since the official viewer is still being garbage.

i sent her a freebie ao i had laying around in my inventory, and tinkered with her shape a bit. i think i'm gonna upgrade her to mesh right away, i'm not sure if i'm gonna do maitreya or something else since she wants to be curvier. i might just get maitreya and then find a shape she likes.

from there i'm gonna get her a mesh head since they're cheaper than bento, unless i find a cheap/free bento head that doesn't suck. i remember finding one for catriona, but that was "free" after spending 250L to join the group that had it as a gift.

i may just go maitreya bod, and a simple LAQ head since those are like 3k. skins i'm not sure about, i may do seven deadly skins or find somewhere else. she's also gonna need bento hair, maybe some different eyes depending.

i'm both looking forward to and little bit dreading this since this makeover is gonna be a few thousand linden lol. i think in a few weeks or so if i get lucky shift wise i can do it without wincing at my linden wallet.

i might just let her have the simple ao for now, i really don't want to shell out another 5k for a nice bento ao even though it's really great. fairly certain just the basics will tide her over until i get her more interested in the game in general. i don't think she's a fan of having to get a job on there to earn money lol.

i'm also gonna have to fund her wardrobe too, now that i think about it. oof, these expenses are really gonna add up. maybe it'll be a few months of saving up linden as long as i don't need to buy any more upgrades for work. that anypose was a killer.

as september draws to a close

here's to hoping that the vultures finally buzzed off and died. poisonous company was never something i could really stomach, so hopefully they'll fuck off for good.

anyways, now that i can breathe the free air again, i can finally just use my blog as normal without worrying some asshat is going over it with a fine tooth comb hoping that i said something they can use in the special snowflake brigade.

life got crazy here again, but it's starting to settle down into something reasonable. i'm prepping for october and halloween in general, since it's to me what christmas is for many others. i have some cute little decorations sitting around the house while i decide what to do with them, and my halloween tree is well on the way to being finished.

the stress melting away has been heavenly, and i've been sleeping a lot better aside from the stupid cold. damn thing has lingered for a month now, and it can kindly leave now. i like being able to breathe dammit.

other than that all's quiet on the home front, just my life calming down while i watch explosions in the distance.

to whom it may concern

hello there. if you are reading this as a screenshot presented to you in some way, i would like to inform you that i have not consented to this in any way, shape, or form.

my blog is my blog, full of nothing but my opinions on various things. the fact that it has been weaponized against me to bring the purported victory over someone else's life has distressed me greatly.

my words are my own, only i speak them. let it be known now that i do not consent to these words being used to bolster the claims made against me, nor do i consent to them being entered into a court of law.

it is my hope that greater judgement will prevail, and that the entries presented to you will be thrown out as the insignificant matters they are. i do not feel joy that it has come to this, but i hope that this proves i don't have any motive in the slightest.

i've said it before, and i'll say it again. i have nothing to hide, because i have never lied. what i wrote for my own personal entries was the truth, with no embellishment. should you decide to argue that i entered my words in a public domain and therefore i have no right to say who can and should read them, i would like to inform you that while this is a public site, you have to actually have the url to my blog in order to be able to read it.

i gave that url to six people. i know at least two of them have spread it around, sending people to comment things on my page in the hopes of provoking a reaction.

this has succeeded in the past, and i have left the entries up which you might receive copies of. i am human, and i do make mistakes. instead of deleting what i said, i have chosen to have them remain as a reminder to myself that i can say quite vicious things when i am angry. it is also a reminder that things have a time and place, and quite honestly this blog is one of them. this is my safe space, i created it. i own it. i speak in it.

if you have any questions for me, i'm afraid i will not be giving out my name or any contact information. i am simply asking to be left alone, and to stop using my blog against me.

thank you for your time.

emotions

one of the things that i really love about music, and music therapy is how much i can really relate to the lyrics of a song. not just the words, but the emotions it evokes or the words they convey. for example, this song from my favorite album by the offspring really relates to my rage.

Feelings
Nothing more than feelings
Trying to forget my
Feelings of hate

Imagine
Beating on your face
Trying to forget my
Feelings of hate

Feelings
For all my life i'll feel it
I wish I'd never met you
You'll make me sick again

Feelings, oh oh feelings
Of hate on my mind

Feelings
Feelings like I never liked you
Feelings like I want to kill you
Live in my heart

Feelings
Feelings like I wanna deck you
Feelings like I've gotta get you
Out of my life

Feelings, oh oh feelings
The hate's in my eyes

Feelings, oh oh feelings
You're not very nice 

i love singing along to this song when i'm angry, as it helps me to process my emotions in a way that doesn't lead to self-destruction. it also helps that i picture the object of my rage while i'm singing, imagining beating them to death or stabbing them or any other fun thing that would actually land me behind bars in prison for about twenty-five to life.

now before you start screeching your whale songs about how if i write a blog it must be about you, keep in mind that if you're not 5'9" with red hair, hazel eyes, freckles and a penis, then this entry ain't about you sweetcheeks. ;)

thoughts

fair warning, i'm currently stoned as i write this entry. it's gonna be all over the place.

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lately i've been exploring the world of modification in second life. i've needed help, of course, since i have no idea what i've been doing, but it's come out pretty cool. now i have unique outfits that i can change the color of at will, instead of having to shell out a bunch of linden to buy another outfit.

i now have a couple modified outfits, that i've attached modded hair to so i can walk around being a vibrant rainbow with a simple typed command. it also brings me a sense of satisfaction that this is a new skill i can work on and improve, although i'm not sure how far i'll go with it.

i also like how i can tweak things like light boxes with a simple script. makes my photography look really cool. okay i'm rambling i'm gonna stop now. consider this a useless entry haha

fall

the seasons are changing, days are getting shorter and it's getting cooler in the evenings. thankfully all my heating needs are already taken care of, so i won't really have to worry about that. gonna have to adjust to my husband going off to college again once the quarter starts, it always takes some getting used to.

don't really have any plans lined up other than halloween decorations and spinning tunes as usual. while i have thought about picking up more shifts to earn more linden, at the moment i am perfectly happy only doing two days a week. i seem to get more tired if i try doing three. even when the third shift was only once a month, it often exhausted me to try and squeeze it all in.

now with my other job on my plate, i have to make sure that i'm active in that area as well. so far i've been keeping up, aside from a hiccup with trying to align schedules with a french coworker who's hours i don't know. that was a bit awkward, but i did reach out to let him know my timezone.

it's also been great spending quality time with my sl momma, i'd been missing her and she's busy as shit lately so even though it wasn't very long before she had to go to bed, it was still nice. hopefully as things pick up, if i make it past the probation period we get to work together.

as the holidays approach i've been vaguely concerned about my depression kicking up, but i guess as we get closer to november i'll have a better idea of how i'm doing mentally. that's about it really, all's quiet on the home front now that i know what my schedule looks like.

september

now has come september, the hunter's moon begun. and through the wheat and stubble, is sometimes heard a gun. the leaves are turning yellow, and kindling into red. and the ripe and bearded barley is hanging down his head. all among the barley, who would not be blithe when the ripe and bearded barley is smiling on the scythe.

now, before anyone gets their knickers in a twist, that's an excerpt from one of my favorite elizabethan songs called "king barley" and i like to post it every september first. it's a weird habit of mine, but we usually sing it in the summer so i started posting it in the fall.

there's more to the song of course, but that's the only part i can ever remember without looking at the songbook. i wish i owned a copy, so i could sing it properly. another one i love is bedlam boys, it's very catchy and i love to sing it.

for to see mad tom of bedlam, ten thousand miles she traveled. mad maudlin goes on dirty toes, for to keep her shoes from gravel. still i sing bonny boy, bonny mad boy, bedlam boys are bonny, for they all go bare and they live by the air, and they want no drink nor money.

i always get the first part of this song wrong, it might not be tom lol. i always need the songbook to sing it properly. but yeah, this is my yearly september tribute. :)

secrets

click me to find out my secret

ponderings

this post is honestly some things i've been pondering lately. it's mostly a rhetorical entry, as i don't expect to get any answers to my questions.

for example: was it my screen name or legal name in the filings?
if it was my legal name, why?
i highly doubt i'd be subpoenaed, but if i am, would a written statement suffice? or would the judge laugh their ass off and toss it out?

why do so many people assume i'm in a relationship? why do people insist that i'm the one who destroyed something that was on the way to burning down in flames anyways?

why is it that my consent violation was believed until i finally lost my temper, and now i'm accused of lying? the burden of proof doesn't fall on me to prove i am telling the truth, it's on those who call me a liar. why are they believed then? they have no proof of my alleged lying, yet i have proof i was violated. why are people so eager to hang me out to dry?

why do people so readily believe that i'm the bad guy who stole someone away, when that is the furthest thing from the truth?

why do people believe i'm the "other woman" when i have never been sexual with the person in question? why do people believe i had an affair, when we've never done more than cuddle?

why are people so quick to vilify me, even though they are being openly lied to?

why is it you can call yourself my friend for years, then turn around and try saying i'm the evil monster who ruined everything?

why is it you only cared about me when i wasn't standing up for myself?

why is it you only cared when you could control me?

why is it now that i'm the one in the wrong, when there is documented proof that i did nothing more than cry out i had been violated?

why is the word "consent" being thrown at me, when two adults did consent to a collaring? because she didn't? why don't you ask her if she asked his consent before being collared to other people?

why am i being seen as the marriage ender, when i did no such thing?

why am i being smeared as "the other woman" "the mistress" and other such names? because you lost your cash cow?

why have none of you asked for his side of the story? why do you assume that you're being told the truth?

what would i possibly have to gain here by lying? i have said only the truth for years now. i even admitted that two years ago i was told an ex was lying and doing dastardly things, and that turned out to be the lie. that he was actually telling the truth, but he had been hung out to dry and painted as a demon out to hurt women, when it turned out he was a victim of manipulation. why am i being brought into question for pointing out a pattern of lies, deceit, and abuse?

why do you allow me to be the scapegoat in a situation that actually had nothing to do with me?

why have none of you asked for proof that i did anything at all? or would you argue that my post about the collaring is enough? because there was nothing more than sending an item as a gift, that he chose to put on. why is it assumed we were sexual?

why do you assume i'm in the wrong and attack me? what makes you better than me?

why do you believe her 100% with no proof, only the lies coming from her mouth?

what makes me the devil here? is it the fact that i exist? that i'm his friend she couldn't chase away?

and, quite frankly, most important of all: why do you care?

popularity

apparently i'm pretty popular in some circles. popular enough to get comments here, that are designed to pick a fight.

let me just say this again, for the newbies being directed here at the whims of others:

my space is a privilege, not a right. i can, and i will, say whatever the fuck i want. i can, and i will, delete whatever comment i so choose. you don't like it? too bad, this isn't your blog and that isn't how this works.

if you want to talk to me, don't come at me trying to pick a fight being all high-and-mighty. i don't play those games, i'll just block and delete and carry on with my life.

if you were sent here under the premise of me being the goddamn devil, ask yourself one little question: why do you assume that they are telling the truth?

why is it so easy for you to believe that i am the bad guy here?

why do you choose to believe that i did something wrong?

what makes you think that they're right?

where there's smoke, there's fire

when the air gets all hazy, normally we're just like 'ugh, yeah, throw on a burn ban and call it a day' because usually the other side of the state is burning down and we just deal.

this year, apparently the entire west coast is burning down. fires from california to canada, all burning at the same time. british columbia apparently has it the worst, since their smoke can be seen from space. it isn't so bad here, we'd actually escaped the smoke in it's entirety for a while.

my hometown? not so much. the air quality is at hazardous levels and they're telling everyone to stay indoors unless absolutely necessary. i'm worried about my friends and their kids, but there's nothing anyone can do about it until the smoke dissipates.

it reached here a couple days ago, not as bad but it made me cough worse. we hit unhealthy levels today, but the ocean breezes have mostly kept it in check. i don't like being outdoors because i cough and sneeze, but i ordered some air masks to help in the meantime.

they're saying the smoke will likely linger until october, which is worrying. school for the kids starts soon, and college starts in september. that's gonna be a lot more people out and about battling the smoke.

i told my mom to bring her inhalers with her when she goes on pokemon runs without me, and in the meantime my husband and i have cheap paper masks from the hospital we can use until the better ones get here in a couple days.

assumptions

apparently my online activity is being tracked, and assumptions are being made based on my alleged activity. why, i honestly have no idea. it's almost as if there's some sort of weird 'demand' to know what i'm doing at all times, for whatever reasons that are cooked up.

see, what i do, or don't do online is nobody's business but my own. jumping to conclusions just because i'm online or not is incredibly stupid and isn't going to win any brownie points. assuming that "oh i must be hiding because i'm not online" is 1) really fucking stupid, 2) incredibly telling of your fucking ego that you decided this with zero evidence to show for it, and 3) again really fucking stupid.

i'm not going to sit here and justify my habits to satisfy the egos of people with their heads shoved so far up their own asses they must shit when they breathe. i will continue to do what i want, when i want, because that's my life and nobody controls me.

if you are honestly curious about what i've been up to lately, and you're not a complete fucking jackass, you can just ask me and i would be more than happy to answer you.

with that said: if you've made erroneous conclusions about me based on whether or not i'm online in a fucking game, kindly fuck in the direction of off.



if none of the above applies to you, hi there, hello, how are you doing, more small talk, haha i missed you too let's hang out sometime.

Łahda dahonó’áahgo t’óó níghaníj̨́ hak’is daaleeh, t’áá áko hats’ájah

Jó hazhó’i’ ajíists’ą́ą́ dóó nánáła’ bi ntsékees hwił bééhózingo, jó éídígíí alááhóó ílį́.

when this does not happen, things can go awry. when we don't esat-tsanh we cause diniih, and that can cause lasting hojííłʼįįdgóó. we must esat-tsanh so we ayóóʼáyóʼní others.

when we are kind, Diné ahidiníłnáago ayóóʼádaʼahijoʼníi doo dóó ałhaa dastiʼ doo. that is what we must strive for. 

T’áálá’i’ soozínígo ayóó’ánó’ní. hoolʼáágóó.  

to my pony

i will be with you, wherever you go, in spirit since i cannot be there physically. until you tell me to leave, i will follow you through heaven and hell and everything inbetween.

it's kind of funny how life turned out the way it did, just a casual extension of our friendship that eventually became full-blown d/s. when you accepted my collar, i was over the moon. nothing filled me with more joy and pride while we sat there, basking in the emotions and the congratulations of friends.

the locking sound was pretty loud, but it also drove it home that you chose to be mine. even if somehow someone got into your account and took the collar away, know that in my heart it is still there, gleaming beautifully around your neck as a symbol of submission.

when i went shopping for the collar, it took months as i was determined to get you nothing but the best. after several failed avenues of searching, it was just a few days beforehand when i spotted it on the marketplace after adjusting my parameters.

there it was, listed among a few other random things. i clicked on it, perused the photos and read the inscription below. i knew it was perfect, so i added it to my cart as a gift and decided to wait.

i was so excited i almost couldn't sleep, and then i nearly jumped the gun! haha but it went well, bought as a gift for you and straight to your inventory without any issues.

the cute little pony with puns and sass for days somehow wormed into my heart, and cuddling you was often the highlight of my day. even if you were just sitting near me while i typed away at a story, or just rested beside me when we chatted with friends, you made everything better.

you still make my world better, and i'll be right here waiting for you as soon as you can come back. no matter what certain people might say, painting me as the villain to achieve their narrative, i'll still be right here in your corner, cheering you on and helping you up.

musings

i've always found it funny when people try to justify ridiculous things with ridiculous reasons. i had to steal from him, he stole from me! kind of thing. it's kind of funny really.

especially when the absurdity spills over to obsession territory. i mean, what lengths are you willing to go to in order to ensure that your probably delusional goal is met? stalking? murder? worse?

say your victim gets wind of your antics and takes the necessary steps to remove you from their life. do you give up and move on, like a normal human being, or do you go onto other profiles, obsessively mining for the tiniest nugget of information that becomes fuel for your crusade?

i've also noticed the words slander and libel are tossed around a lot by people in my lists. okay. so let's look at the definitions then.

slander

noun

1. defamation; calumny: rumors full of slander.
2. a malicious, false, and defamatory statement or report: a slander against his good name.
3. Law. defamation by oral utterance rather than by writing, pictures, etc.

verb (used with object)

4. to utter slander against; defame.

verb (used without object)

5. to utter or circulate slander.

 

libel

noun

1. Law.
   1. defamation by written or printed words, pictures, or in any form other than by spoken words or gestures.
   2. the act or crime of publishing it.
   3. a formal written declaration or statement, as one containing the allegations of a plaintiff or the grounds of a charge.
2. anything that is defamatory or that maliciously or damagingly misrepresents.

verb (used with object), li·beled, li·bel·ing or (especially British) li·belled, li·bel·ling.

3. to publish a libel against.
4. to misrepresent damagingly.
5. to institute suit against by a libel, as in an admiralty court.

 okay. so slander is basically talking shit about someone verbally to ruin their good name without any proof, and libel is basically doing that online with the intent of doing the same thing.

and of course, if you're gonna talk shit about somebody, you better have proof to back up your claims of things they have done. you know, like logged conversations of how they intend to lie to someone to get their way. or some record of them saying they're going to do one thing then do another. that makes it so you're not defaming their name for shits and giggles, you actually have a reason.

of course, every inboxed conversation i've ever had on second life has been recorded on my hard drive for the last three years. my memory is long, and when it falters i have the text to show me the truth. while in theory i could edit them on a document such as this blog entry, the truth still remains in the logs themselves. a screenshot would show beyond a shadow of a doubt, though yes you could argue those can be photoshopped, you'd have to prove that they were first.

so before you go around saying someone is spreading libel about you, probably don't act like a dick when they have the proof to undo your lies.

bittersweet freedom

as of today, i have officially left divine sadism. i'd been thinking about it all month, and with the way i've been feeling i decided to slip back into the shadows and quasi-ghost the sim while i came to a decision. i was messaged this morning asking about my future there since i've been inactive, and i took that as an opportunity to bow out gracefully.

there are a lot of things i'm going to miss about the place, like the friends i had made and the fun games that were forever going on. and i'd be remiss if i didn't mention the lindens i made spinning tunes there.

but my path is no longer with divine sadism, so it was time to leave the sisterhood and fly solo to wherever i'm going to end up. i wish everyone there nothing but the best, they're honestly good people and with the ideas i'd implemented i know the sim will continue to do well.


freedom is bittersweet, but freedom is still freedom. i will take everything i've learned that's made me both a better kinkster, and a better person and apply that knowledge to future things.

and, she was right. i'm not a toxic person, i just need to let my light shine again.

flying monkeys redux

don't send people after me. i have been courteous, peaceful, and gone out of my way to keep the peace. i don't do this for you, i do it for me. i am tired of all the bullshit, and i am making my life better. i don't appreciate having people sicced on me for no reason other than to suit an agenda.

leave me alone.

my life

my life now, is definitely interesting. especially when i have changed my name, where i hang out on sl, changed my social circles, my company, and am working on making amends to a man who never lied to me. who only lied at the end, when it didn't matter because he was accused of it anyways.

my friends now, some of them i've kept and the others i am distancing myself from. i am grateful everyday for those who have stayed with me, supporting me and helping me get back on my feet while i explore new avenues.

i decide what events i want to do, i decide my shifts and place of employment. and i deliberately avoid locations that would cause conflict. there are places i don't go to on fridays or sundays, i go somewhere else to keep the peace.

everything about me i have done, has been to shed my old identity, and remove myself from a tarnished reputation. my life is steadily improving now, and i am quite happy with my newly collared sub that i adore above anything else.

the love and acceptance from the people important to me has been instrumental in this, and i've been buoyed by the positivity from all this. of course, the reward has been me teaching others, sharing my wisdom and observances. enlightening via knowledge, some of it i've known for years and others i've recently been learning myself and sharing with other people.

i'm researching new things, learning nifty techniques about silicone and how it interacts with pigments and paints. i haven't practiced any of it yet, just been watching and learning from others online.

but i do have one little word of note: i don't change what i do fundamentally to spite others, i do it for myself. if somehow you, dear reader, have come to an erroneous conclusion about me based on my blog entries, then i suggest perhaps stop reading them. what i choose to share in my space is a privilege, not a right.

penny

 every picture is worth a thousand words, they say. and of course, moments of silliness can often translate as serious in a photo.

but this one is the most important one, the one i will treasure always. for you are wearing the only thing that to me, is just as sacred as a wedding ring. it was an honor to lock it on, and call you my own. you are mine, you are owned, you are very much loved. <3

psychology and video games

no, this is not going to be one of those silly-ass pop psychology posts or something filled with bullshit pseudo-science. i like to think i have a brain, thank you very much. lmao

i'm just making an observation based on something i've noticed while playing skyrim. bethesda has really done their research into the psychology of video games, as i can't help but notice the way my mind reacts when i'm playing the game.

attachment to a horse, playing games with an adopted child, concern for followers that tail me into dungeons and caverns. it's quite brilliant actually, it's given me ways to analyze my emotions and process things in a new way without even really thinking about it.

in fact, it's somewhat inspired me to write a skyrim story. not sure if it'll ever see the eyes of others, but it's possible. all because of psychology and video games.

missing my friends

it's one of those nights where my heart begins to ache, and i look at profiles and pine. i miss my friends that i made in kardoloth, but i have no idea what would happen if i tried to contact them. i have no idea if anything was said about me or not, and if there was, what was said.

i miss keeran, the sassy dragon always looking to pick a fight. she was fun to rp with and watch her kick ass with her claws and wings in her human form.

i miss keedo, he was a cool elf in disguise, in reality a dragon trying to care for his hatchling grandson without anyone in the kingdom finding out. he was a blast pretending to get drunk with, and the ensuing shenanigans made me laugh long and loud.

i miss zahla, we weren't close but she always said "hee" instead of lol, and i found that to be a really interesting quirk. she made hanging out in the lobby fun, and she looked to me for rp advice as a noob who was suddenly drafted to be the head of the druids.

and most of all, i miss draven. i found myself caring for him, maybe because our rp was easy and fun, and though he made me vampire chow, i started going around looking for him. part of me wonders because something about him reminded me of parzival, but on a far gentler level. he's a good man, a good roleplayer, and i guess i will always wonder if our characters would have ended up hooking up.

i want to talk to them, but i am afraid to. i am afraid of harsh words in the wake of things, i am afraid of enduring more pain at the hands of lies and deceit. so more silence stretches between us, and i find myself wondering if they ever think about me at all, or if i'm already forgotten.

untangling the web

admittedly this entry was originally gonna be about something else, but i can't bring myself to write about it yet as it is still very raw and painful. so instead, i'm writing about something that has been in the back of my mind for a long time now.

for two years, i have heard about a person being a liar. 'oh he lied about this' 'oh he lied about that' 'look at the proof right here of him lying' and at the time i bought into it, going from liking, even loving this person, to hating their very presence.

i am ashamed to admit i never took the time to talk to this person, i simply allowed myself to be swept up in the mob as his livelihood was ruined. his job, his company, his friends, his coworkers, everyone turned against him and i felt justified.

but in the middle of all this as it dragged on, i began to feel something wasn't right. at the time i couldn't figure out what, so i distanced myself in an attempt to try and see the bigger picture.

it took me way too long to realize all i had to go on were someone else's words. that all of us took her at her word. none of us questioned anything, we all accepted the proof as the gospel truth. it bothered me a lot, but what could i do? there was nothing that could be done, right?

well, i could ask him what happened.

so i did.

i asked him about the flood that supposedly never happened. he told me there was a flood, news coverage and anything. i remembered the reddit entry about people saying the city he was from was bone dry, and how that was touted as him lying.

so i asked him where the flood was. turns out, yeah the city was bone dry just like the redditors said, because the flood didn't happen there. the flood happened west of the city, in the countryside. and there are news articles to back it up.

https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-scotland-35259398
https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/aberdeen-flooding-river-don-bursts-its-banks-and-homes-evacuated-amid-warnings-of-danger-to-life-a6801826.html
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/weather/12089265/Flooding-in-Aberdeenshire-Scotland-in-pictures.html
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/scotland/12090860/Watch-Drone-captures-a-flooded-Aberdeenshire.html
https://www.pressandjournal.co.uk/tag/aberdeenshire-floods/
https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2016/jan/08/residents-flood-hit-aberdeenshire--weekend-scotland-record-river-levels

all those articles took me a few seconds to google. he was telling the truth the whole time, and none of us listened to him. i personally apologized to him, feeling like nothing but the scum of the earth. i saw the reddit entry, i took that as truth. it didn't occur to me until a few days ago to actually ask him, and he one hundred percent was telling the truth.

in fact he only lied one time, at the end when he was being accused of lying all the time to begin with. and that i can understand completely.

by untangling the web, i have learned that i was captured, hook, line, and sinker, and i feel awful for having believed it. but now that he knows i believe him, i have brought him some measure of peace. but i feel like a monster for never asking his side of the story.

SLB15

i was in fact telling the truth about doing the birthday event for second life, i just never specified what i would be doing. i am not on the performer list in any form, not DJing, not dancing, not backup for any troupe. instead, i helped work on a booth at the request of a friend.

i will not say which booth, or which sim it's on, but my work is proudly displayed. i am credited in a notecard because of my help, along with the others who all pitched in. honestly, i didn't expect to be credited for the hours i put in helping, but i am glad i was.

it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy knowing that people are seeing my research, and the time i put in did not go to waste. so, those patrons of SLB, you will come across me. just not my physical form. i hope everyone enjoys the bash and has a great time. :)

struggling/peace

apparently i've been chafing in my own bonds. i don't like censoring myself, especially in my own spaces. my therapist noted how much mental harm occurs when i do so, and suggested i stop. two years later, after having blissfully followed orders like a good little pup, i find myself stuck.

the act of censoring myself, being the bigger person, is costing me my soul while it brings peace into a home, because there's no more fuel for the fire. while i get headaches and frustrations, anything that happens was clearly not because of me, because of the simple fact the words don't exist.

i highly dislike going back on my word, but at the same time to resume as before brings a high likelihood that i will end up obsessing on the negatives, beating a dead horse until it's a powdered skeleton and gaining nothing but contempt from others.

i've been looking for a way to make peace with myself, to find other ways to vent out the poison that slips in here and there after i think i've purged it. so far that amounts to word vomiting in person, and remaining mum online. it's somewhat working, but it'll have to do.

******************************************************************************

peace is fought for, after a battle. peace is won after a war, and the fruits are often much sweeter for it. i lost parzival, but i found someone else. someone not on second life, who enjoys messaging me on my phone at random intervals for hours. i'm cautiously optimistic, he's poly with an established partner, so there's no worry over a freakout thanks to monogamous denial.

been playing skyrim, since i was given a copy for christmas and then never touched it, just watched my husband do run-throughs. it's kind of fun, but i end up playing for too many hours and have aching hands and pained knees from where i sit by the tv.

hoping to at least make more progress with dreamwalker radio while i tinker around sl, spinning has me happy but soon i'm gonna have to do more legwork to get it more established.

life goes on

instead of quoting a bunch of songs that happen to have those words in their lyrics, i'll just go with the old adage, "time marches on" instead.

with summer looming ahead, my life has become busy again. spinning sets, tinkering with my company, networking with friends, i almost don't have any time for myself these days, which admittedly is a good thing.

too much alone time and my mind turns to the dark, so every day and every night at least one friend is bugging me, either on sl, facebook, or my phone in general. while i am grateful and thank my friends from the bottom of my heart, i also wish they'd kindly take a long walk off a short pier, lol.

as grumpy as i've been with their love and support, they all know that i have no intention of following through with my threats of biting butts and swatting heads. truthfully, as much as it annoys me that i am being imed by several people a day, i'm also secretly glad. it's hard to spiral when friends are forcing you to go socialize.

i guess it's kind of like zookeepers tending to a crotchety old lion, while it's grumpy and roars and growls at them, maybe even takes a couple swipes at the employees, they know the lion doesn't mean it because the claws are sheathed and the roars are just annoyed meows.

i've even made a few new, close friendships in the wake of everything, and while they simultaneously amuse and irritate me, i wouldn't trade them for all the money in the world.

since i hadn't invested too much in kardoloth its loss didn't register that far on my emotional radar, although i do miss the friends i had made there. i often think about draven, keeran, zahla, and keedo and wonder what they're getting up to.

i was friends with aelithe, but i'm betting whatever lies parzival told aralithe was relayed to her sister. while it does mildly suck to lose a friend, if she decided to believe him, well then that's her choice. i didn't actually know her that well, and was in the process of getting to know her when i stumbled upon her sister's relationship. so, i hope she has everything amazing going for her, and i hope her character does well in kardoloth. her sister too.

they're both great women, funny, off the cuff, and have no-holds-barred personalities like me. i'm sure that's what attracted him to them, and i don't blame him. i'm willing to bet they're monogamous, which is what he needs. i just don't think he realizes that either, and hopefully he figures it out before tanking another poly relationship because he thinks through denial it's mono.

********************************************************************

with pirate days coming up fast, i've been trying to find a balance in shifting my attention to rl and remaining active on sl. pride is coming up in august, and july usually just means heat and me being grumpy because i have to stay home instead of seeing the fireworks.

in the mean time, been trying to stay close to my sisters in divine sadism because their support has been a great boon to me. i see the divine as strong, beautiful women who don't let the weaknesses of society tell them what to do, and the way they open their arms to me, no questions asked when i need it further cements why i call that place home.

heh, i also call more than one place in second life my home, because they are homes to me in different ways. so divine sadism, sha'halen, and whatever the name of the clan darken and lofty have in bloodlines is also home. three homes, plus my linden home. four homes. what is math? lol

i might have lost the original point of this post, but essentially, life goes on and so do i. one day, one moment, one second at a time. i have been dragged kicking and screaming, but i'm here, and i plan to stay. for whatever reasons i come up with.

shock

so just when i start getting my feet under me, i get dealt a blow that knocks me flat on my back. and it seems that this is my life. two steps forward, three steps back.

parzival, the only conclusion i can come to is you still read my blog. since i logged in to find very nasty messages from you, and the knowledge that you kicked me out of kardoloth. i could go on a long rant, i guess, out of the hurt you have dealt me.

you wanted me to remain discreet about our relationship. i never told anyone publicly, in fact privately only about eight people knew about us. if i was asked, i never said your name, to respect your wishes. i demurred and referred to you as "my beau" so that people would leave it alone.

when you dumped me, no one knew publicly. the only people i told were the ones who knew we were dating. i never told anyone in kardoloth that we were together, and though i asked aelithe advice on how to go on pretending we were never an item, i never spoke your name.

i did everything you wanted me to. searched out fetishes, dreamed up ideas for scenarios. i kept what we had secret for three months, and no one in kardoloth had any idea. what i said in my previous entries is all true.

you claimed i talked down to you, but you never provided me the evidence so i could correct my behavior. in fact until you brought it up, i had no idea i was doing anything wrong. i thought we were doing okay.

even when i stumbled across your new love aralithe four days later, i kept silent. only three people knew that i had encountered your new girlfriend until i turned to my blog to pour out my pain. i stayed out of kardoloth while i processed the pain.

i never hinted to any of the members what was going on. none of them knew.

i won't forgive you, and i won't forget who you really are, parzival. but what i won't do is pursue you in hate. you're blocked now, to protect me. you're banned from my home, though i doubt you care, and you probably banned me from the kardoloth sim.

what i won't do, is ever divulge what had been said to me in confidence. i'm not that kind of person. but just remember, parzival, is that while i will keep my peace, there is a price we all have to pay. karma, as it were, karma affects us all. this isn't a threat, this isn't a promise, this is simply informing.

by hurting me, you have hurt yourself. you just don't know it yet.

the fate of the concubine story

so, i have actually been working on part four of concubine off and on, it's just sitting in my drafts. but in light of my breakup, i should probably mention several things:

1) although it is entirely a made up story, i did base concubine off of myself and parzival.

2) the photos will likely stop, aside from selfies.

3) since parzival dumped me, i will likely eviscerate him in fiction by changing jhaeros' behavior into abhorrence.

4) i will still write concubine, it'll just be slower while i process my emotions.

5) part four is a sex scene.

6) i have no overall plot in mind aside from making jhaeros someone to hate. #writersrevenge


and that's about it, really.

new beginnings

with all the support of my friends so far, i have so many new beginnings now. new name, new home base, new company. i'm still hammering out the logistics, but i can officially say that dreamwalker radio debuted wednesday, may 30th at bouddicea. i've laid the ground work for my station, but i will need to find places to put posters, figure out how to generate ad revenue, and then look around other places and see how prices are set up so that i can charge potential employees and whatnot fairly.

of course, i'll also need people to create ads, and then figure out maybe google drive or something to hold the necessary files for employees and all that jazz. right now it's just me, but i have management in place for the group and as i go on i'll lean on experienced people for help getting dreamwalker radio off the ground.

it's kind of fun throwing myself into a new project, and with my shiny new stream life is starting to look up again. i've been at peace earning my keep at bouddicea and sha'halen, and of course divine sadism and hopefully soon the devil's angels too.

i still get anxious over my DJ abilities, but every linden reminds me that i must be doing something right, and hearing the feedback from new patrons makes me happy. when i spun at sha'halen on saturday, one of the new people there mentioned they liked how i spoke because i was laughing over how i had no idea what a song's name was for two years until someone finally requested me to play it, lol.

**************************************************************

i'm still pretty sad over parzival dumping me, but seeing his behavior has clued me in that i may have actually dodged a bullet with him. he claimed i spoke down to him in public, which i was completely unaware of, but twice now he has called men "cucks" in public chat, once in all seriousness and the second time as an alleged joke.

plus there's the whole fact he made an mgtow speech and accidentally posted it in the kardoloth group, as opposed to my inbox out of left field for no reason. i remember we'd been talking about nothing in particular, just shooting the breeze when he suddenly posted that speech "as a response to when women claim they want equality."

i had mental whiplash over that one, and now that i really think about it there were times when we seriously disagreed on things, like me being a bernie supporter and him not. i don't remember if the subject of trump ever came up, but i kind of wonder if he leaned in that direction.

i know viking/viktor and i had vehemently disagreed because he was a trumper and me a berner, but the final blowup that lead to me blocking him was a childish speech on how i was the bad guy for calling him out on being homophobic and promoting toxic masculinity, so i sent a vicious retort and kicked his ass out of my life forever.

parzival and i are very much not on speaking terms while i heal from the breakup, but more and more i find myself hating him. i think it's just one of those things where i'll be angry and hate for a while, but depending on behavior that usually goes away.

then again, his quirks that i used to like now drive me insane, and i completely resent him now. i think the root of that is the fact that after i stumbled across his new girlfriend four days after he dumped me, i found out he uses the same pet names for her that he did for me; which oddly enough are also the same pet names he used for his ex, phoebe.

meh, that's all behind me now. no point in dwelling on it, especially with my new name and new home. fuck that bastard with a rusty rake.

gratefulness

over the last few days and nights, i have to say i'm feeling really grateful for my friends. rosa, tanarra, seth, pen, rej, val, bryan, lofty, darken, all of you guys have been the stabilizing force while i get my feet back under me and move forward with my new plans. and the other people i've been leaning on, like jess, marci, sapio, and passion, i may not know you as well as i would like, but i am grateful for you all the same.

knowing that when i am feeling down a multitude come forward to help is a shining light in my darkness, and of course i repay the favor without question when my friends need me too. this beautiful network of support is something that i'd been looking for for a long time, and i'm glad to have finally found it. and i'm also proud that i managed to create this network by just being myself.

i have no idea how to pay back such kindnesses, so i just do what i can because it feels right to me.

each person is so beautiful in their own way, and together we are a shimmering galaxy of lights, and i appreciate each and every one of them. i could go on and on about them, but i think i'll leave it here. thank you, everyone who has reached out to me and coaxed me into bigger and better things.

moving forward

so, as you could probably tell, i was absolutely furious in my last post and let the venom flow. now that i've gotten that out and off of my chest, i am going to work on moving forward from here. i've done what's been necessary to achieve that both short and long term, so that i won't be tempted to sabotage myself.

i'll still be writing about things in my life, but as for the consent issue, i'm going to let that fall by the wayside as i have established that it happened, and it was wrong. i won't continue beating this horse as it will simply become an issue of dwelling instead of solving.

part of this is an olive branch to a mutual friend who spoke to me on discord tonight, and another part is that if i don't start finding ways to move on, i'll be stuck on it forever. i won't grow from this, i'll be stunted and that just won't work out for anybody.

if i continue to hate, then i won't gain anything. if i continue to push this issue, then all that will happen is more strife between friends. and that's the last thing that i want. so, i am going to let it go. obviously there will be moments where something'll happen and i'll get cranky about it, but the odds of me writing about it may become slim-to-none.

trust

it's funny, that word. trust. io claims that "because of what i did" she's lost trust in me, and "even if i apologize" i won't get it back.

what makes you think i'm sorry? you've needed your ass kicked for a long goddamn time and i am personally relishing the fact that your own flesh-and-blood family has turned on you. every word that is rightfully hurled at you, every action, every behavior. you. earned. this. you can play the role of 'poor me' to everyone you want, no one believes you anymore. your lies are coming undone.

i will never apologize for unity being a predator. for speaking up because the others are too afraid. i will never apologize for people siding with me because what she did was wrong. i don't want to be unbanned from ymo, i want that sim burned to the ground and the ashes scattered to the wind. it's funny how you're listening to her though, just like i thought you would.

i have the ace in the hole though, and i don't even have to do a goddamn thing. i don't spread rumors, so the only people who know that my consent was violated are about eight people or so. well, ten counting io and spitfire. so i haven't gone around talking about it because i really don't need that kind of attention. and with my new schedule, it would be ridiculous to do so as it would cost me my jobs.

out of respect for someone very dear to me, i have removed the paragraph that was here at their request.

it's also hilarious that you had to do a trance to purge your own memories of me too, because you can't handle ever being wrong. i hope you did it wrong, i hope you fucked up and lost important things. because this is the karma you reap for yourself. this is the house of cards finally beginning to topple. and it's so, so good.

if you lost all memories of spitfire, i will laugh every day. every chance i get, because your stupidity will have ruined her. all because you're too goddamn immature for a woman in her forties.

by the way, is the "doing things you don't condone" things like divine sadism? because you brought me there, dummy. you're not my anchor, you big fat land whale on legs. you haven't been my anchor since i revoked your right to dominate me in 2016. my anchor is my support network, which, by the way, doesn't include you. you supporting me beyond lindens is fucking laughable.

instead of supporting me when i got the fantasy faire job, you whined that i didn't bring up your name too. instead of supporting me when i quit the old guard, you just talked shit. instead of supporting me when my stalker showed up, you told me to ignore him and sicced a psycho on me. that's not support, that's trying to fucking control and suppress me. you don't like it when i'm not in your shadow.

i hope your pain never goes away, that every second you take a breath you are reminded that you sided with a consent violator, therefore you are the one that cannot be trusted.

one last thing, because i'm a petty motherfucker: did you get rejected for second life's birthday event? because i didn't, and i didn't even sign up. :)

dumped

three months. that's how long we lasted. three months, and "i think we should remain friends" flashes across my screen.

i was completely floored. i had no idea it was coming, but i just know that i am not exactly taking this too well. been feeling pretty bitter and angry since it happened a couple days ago.

i'm lost again, floating in space with nothing to anchor me.

stabbed in the back

funny, it's been years since i felt like this. i know i've been battin' a thousand lately in regards to a couple fuckups i've made, but i do not hold shame that i vented to two of my friends about being tranced without my consent.

i have been angry, and rightly so. my consent was violated. i was not given a choice, and i decided to walk away and process my rage. it has not abated, not in the slightest. so i chose to vent, because i figured it would help. i was not surprised that my words were taken to them, they were angry with her as well. nor was i surprised that i logged in to see a message so passive-aggressive from that person.

high school ended for you before i was born, maybe leave that shit to the teenagers, okay?

instead of playing her little game, since i was likely blocked anyways, i blocked that mind-raping bitch and unfriended her. so i have been working on moving on, letting it go like water down a penguin's back. i call the act "penguining" because i find it cute.

until i read io's blog. where she questioned my ability to consent, to be dominated.

the knife in the back is a nice touch, by the way. thanks.

apparently being near io after she told me to 'ignore' my stalker, she may have told unity to trance me. WITHOUT TALKING TO ME FIRST.

i never gave consent! being on the ymo sim is not giving consent! being at one of your stupid dances is not giving consent! me consenting is giving consent!

so, tell you what. you want to believe unity so badly, go for it. enjoy her using people without consent. enjoy her scaring people off because she doesn't give a choice. i hope that fucking bed is nice when you lay in it.

she's not a dominant of me. she never was. and ordering me to take pills and go to bed is not fucking okay. from you, or her. you are not my dominant. you haven't been in two years. stop fucking acting like it.

my roots as a "professional"

i don't see myself as a professional anything, i just have the whole professional attitude.
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three years ago, i was bored after returning from my long hiatus from sl. i wanted something to do. grinder's was already gone so i couldn't sing, and i had no idea that being hired as anything was in fact something you could do on second life.

how and why are lost to time, but i ended up as a dancer for ezee at his club, and from there my then sister tarca got me to apply to a place called clint's joint. io worked there too, and maybe ezee but i don't remember.

i worked there for a time as a stripper, but i never made enough money on the listed tier to lose any clothing. one time i made enough to lose my top, but since we were on a moderate sim (who the hell puts a strip club on a pg sim anyways?) i had on pasties underneath to comply with the rules.

it wasn't too long before one of the staff members went absolutely batshit crazy and griefed everyone, and ejected all the staff present. we had all been snarking in our group chat about it, our personal clan chat, and i found out way after the fact that tarca then took everything we were saying to little one, the head dancer, and her dominant clint had us all fired.

cool. i remember being mad at the time, but it's been three years i don't give a shit now lol

briefly i worked at a place called club santorini as a host with tarca as a dancer, but when i lost internet for a couple months i was let go so discreetly i had no idea i was no longer an employee until i went to clock in for a shift. the bastards.

after that, in 2016 i began DJ training since i heard they made more linden than measly dancers. it took a few months of me mostly teaching myself with my trusty little program, when io and ezee stepped in and introduced me to sam broadcaster.

one night while they were training me via a group skype call, io decided i was ready. i made a general noise of assent in her direction, and she flipped the switch of the land we were on and made me live. needless to say i didn't take it very well, but they were both amused at my outrage and soothed my ruffled feathers to point out i was doing the same thing on air as i was doing off of it.

sometime that june i think it was, i got hired at a little club called mad hatter's. i made my debut early when diesel's stream wasn't working on his set, and i stepped forward and filled in for him. it made a hell of a first impression, that's for sure. after that i DJed that wednesday, thursday, and then friday as my official debut as DJ. that was when i also decided i only wanted to do it once a week.

i was there for a long time, and eventually after ezee super flaked i picked up a saturday shift at the old guard so io didn't up and die on me. two days a week was hard at first, but over time i got used to it and then even good at it.

december 2016 i submitted my letter of resignation to mad hatter's. i told fairie it was for a job opportunity, but the reality was i was furious over how my stalker had won her over as a friend and got himself unbanned from the sim.

i didn't return until the final week of mad hatter's before it closed down, to visit my friends and say goodbye. i don't miss it, but i miss some of the people. viper, rob, chel, chez, ..ha, i forgot their names. i guess their importance really has faded from my memory.

last year i got hired at a place called cougar's. worked there until the place closed, but i remain good friends with my boss, tigdon. he had made me the star of cougar's before guardian fucked everything up, but i don't miss any of my other coworkers since the place was a drama fest. io had worked there too, but had been let go for cutting her shifts early one too many times.

from there it was weekly at the old guard, monthly at divine sadism, and holidays at cfnm mansion when i wasn't filling in on a sunday party.

i was and am very proud for founding the divine sadism dances, and i still can't believe i DJed three of the four shows at fantasy faire. i still see myself very much as a small fry who doesn't know what she's doing, and i like it that way.

i'm nobody famous, my little fan club is tiny and i don't mind. i've got two jobs at two places that'll open soon, and that has me happy. i might luck out and get hired at this new place with bryan, i don't know yet. for all i know, i won't fit in there at all. i guess we'll see.

the old guard

one other thing has happened. in fact, it happened on saturday.

cooper told everyone during my set that he was going to send out a group notice within the next few days about a name change. the old guard was going to be renamed, and everyone would be getting an invite to a new group, and ejected from the old ones. the last vestiges of tajah destroyed.

cooper leaves while i'm spinning, and the notice goes out. that the old guard was going to be renamed "d/s embraced lounge and club" with a group invite going out to the members before being ejected from the old one to close it down. no one took this decision well, and it was openly derided by everyone present.

after my shift was over, i headed off to the masquerade to dance while i mulled over the most recent changes in my mind. after parzival logged for the night when it was over, i teleported back home to rest.

while i was doing so, i get an im from bryan. he sent me a notecard, so i pulled it up to read it. flowery speech aside, it was cooper firing him as a host at the old guard.

i quit.

that was the response i sent to bryan. i quit. i'm done. i'll follow you wherever you go, i'll even follow you to hell. but i quit the old guard.

forty-eight hours later, it still doesn't feel real. every saturday for the last two years i had a shift there. when other jobs fell through and i began to drift, i always had the old guard to fall back on.

and now, now it's gone. for good. i don't intend to go back.

for the first time in two years, i don't have a shift to do. no set to build. no theme to wear.

it's kind of like my balloon popped. and for the first time in forever, i truly don't know what to do with myself. my only other gig is monthly, and the two other places that hired me have yet to open.

i guess i'll find something.

betrayal

something happened on friday that i'm still not okay with. i'd been shaken to my core over discovering my stalker had been at the show, three seats from me. with everything going on, i was too busy being focused on wrangling dancers and announcing songs to notice. when it was over, i stood up after signing off and turned to find the staff member that was in charge of wrangling people like me, to request that she flip the radio to the correct stream because i didn't have it.

that was when i spotted the gray jelly doll. when my brain registered the name, i completely panicked. i slammed into two inboxes, using an emergency phrase and all caps to get their attentions. one of them bolted to my position, the other one simply told me to ignore him.

yeah. ignore the guy who's been stalking me for three years. awesome. NOT.

i get a teleport request, and i jump on it. i'm shaking so badly i can't move. i can barely tell my husband what was going on, and he held me while i trembled and tried not to cry. i was severely rattled on top of the stress, and i was very close to my breaking point.

i tried to calm down at ymo, watching the others dance and even joining in with a pony at my side.

after a time, i get a surprise message from someone that i know of, but don't actually know. i rarely speak with them, as they are too much for me energy wise and i tend to hide in the shadows when they're around.

they had wanted my full attention, so i paused the music i was playing while stumbling through a set list, and i shifted myself so that they would get it.

and they tried to hypnotize me.

without my consent.

it actually almost worked, which both terrified and angered me. i fought as best as i could, but i realized they'd been described as like the sun for a reason. just when i was slipping under their control for god knows whatever reason, they said something that i found so hysterically funny i felt their grasp shatter on my shields harmlessly.

they'd had me when they said i was part of their pack. but when they called themselves alpha of me, i snapped out of the hypnosis and laughed my ass off. you see, no one is the alpha of me. i run with a chosen equal at my side, but no one is the boss of me.

from there, i watched them continue their mind games while i mentally shored up my defenses. i did not let them know they had failed, i wanted to see what they would do.

after they thought they were successful, they gave me an order. and i felt instant rage. no one tells me what to do. NO. ONE. i ignored their messages while they became unsure of the imaginary hold they had on me.

and the one person who had previously been angry over someone trying to hypnotize without my consent, then messaged me saying they agreed with the order, and to follow it. my rage was so palpable i could taste it.

i logged off before i screamed at either of them.

logging on to discord, my pony made the mistake of being the second echo to the order, and i promptly ripped his head off and shit down his neck.

it was only when i had calmed enough to explain why he was being verbally murdered, he realized his mistake and backed off. so i then took the time to vent for a while, but i was still angry over what had happened.

not one, but two people were completely fine with this person hypnotizing me. the person who had never gained my consent, simply assumed it was given and tried to get inside my head to become their mindless little puppet.

to say i'm angry with them is an understatement.