out of the blue, into the night

this week is finals week for me, so i haven't been on. i've been prepping by writing down notes and watching videos my teacher posted to better understand the material. i'd been on sl over the weekend, but once i needed to do my assignments i shifted my focus and hadn't logged on. today i get a ping while i'm writing down notes for math class. i finished jotting down an equation, then picked it up and read the screen. apparently hell froze over, as ezee was online. i wasn't interested in trying to confront him, as i'm currently in the mindset of m=x1 blahhhh so i was like "okay" but typed out a more coherent reply.

a notecard was waiting for me on sl, so after i got done with dance class mom swung me by taco bell then brought me home. i logged on to read it, and i wasn't in the least bit surprised. he hasn't changed a bit, made more promises that nobody believes in. io told him that i'm really angry at him, and she's not wrong. i have been really mad, lashing out here and there when it suits me. while i may have moved on, he keeps turning up like a bad habit. i thought io showed tremendous self restraint, and she had spitfire there to support her. they had my back, and though they fibbed a bit to show how much of an ass he's been, i think they were more honest than they realized.

io said i've been in chaos, and i think she's right. i've been wild, refusing any hand trying to tame me and absolutely refusing to submit to anyone. i've thought about bottoming to people, but my submission is locked away as securely as what's left of my icy black heart. ezee may have broken a part of me, but my hatred flows as deep as a river and my fury is like the goddess pele in all her might. i'll be fine eventually, i'm just learning once again to be a lonely thing, floating around the grid doing my own thing.

i find it funny that even though spitfire and io asked ezee over and over to give up the ldr group, he kept saying no because it had sentimental value to him. i've given up things when i couldn't lead them anymore, and yet he's not mature enough to do one little thing that will really give him peace. i got active again on vampirefreaks when a message popped up for me asking me to come back to a group i had taken over, so i've done so. i've been working on revitalizing it from the ground up, moving threads around and posting new things for members.

it makes me happy in a way to start bringing the group back from the dead, and it's also somewhat hilarious that ezee claims he's gonna do that, and yet we all expect him to be nothing but talk and just vanish into the night again. it's what he always does anyways, so we don't expect anything different from him at this point. i'm not going to back down as a mod in the group, even if he does show up.

while i may want nothing to do with him at this point, i can run the ldr group in my sleep better than he can, and i refuse to watch him run it into the ground. his incompetence will not stand, and i'll continue making sure that we keep the groups to the standards we set without him. after all, it's what i've been doing anyways in his months-long absence.

when he disappears again, i'll just keep on trucking. i've learned not to rely on him, and i'm not going back. even if he paid me a million lindens, i would not go back. he lost me a long time ago, and he doesn't even care. i've never been more than an afterthought to him, even though he claims he cares about me. io had to bring me and rayne up to him, because he never even asked. he doesn't care at all about us, his lost harem, he just pretends he does so he doesn't look bad. filthy liar.

the task

or, dear god why?

a popular item that people like to use to better understand people are writing tasks. you're given a prompt, and then a due date to respond to it. you know, just like homework. so. they do it to better grasp what makes you tick, why you think about certain things the way you do.

one problem. i hate them.

i didn't use to, the idea of doing something for redemption when i'd genuinely screwed up appealed to me. when it was used i felt a hell of a lot better afterwards, and i knew on the rare occasion when i fucked up so badly it would help me heal.

the problem with that is it immediately went south.

see, there was a day when i had been up all night and was online. i was told to go to sleep, or i'd be in trouble. so i logged off and went to bed. around eight hours later i woke up, and logged back on. the person who had told me to log off then decided i was in trouble for not going to bed, and assigned me lines. i didn't do them, because i hadn't done anything wrong. i had gotten eight hours of sleep, and they hadn't noticed. that wasn't my fault.

time passed. a few months i think. i got yelled at for never doing my punishment, so i angrily grabbed paper and wrote down ten lines. as each letter was put down i became more and more upset. why was i being punished when i had done nothing wrong? it was like my abusive grandma all over again, and a deep, smoldering anger grew inside me. when the lines were done i slammed down my pen, angrily uploaded the images, and then proceeded to fall apart when i was told "good girl" for finally doing it.

ever since that day i have absolutely hated doing writing tasks of any kind.

i don't do punishment dynamics, i never have.

the one time of redemption was something that i needed, but forcing it on me won't work. i'll simply walk away. you want to get to know my mind, just ask me. really. don't tell me to do stupid essays with a due date. i'm already doing that shit in school and i sure as hell won't do one that won't get me a grade. if you want to know my mind so badly then GET TO KNOW ME! there's not much i hide from people these days anymore, but if you just arbitrarily tell me to do x, y, and z by such and such date, you can bet your ass i'm not gonna do it, and until you ask me why i'm not going to explain the middle finger in front of your confused face. what works on one person doesn't necessarily work on another, and if you assume that, it's just really not going to work out.

another kicker: just because you're a safety net on my collar doesn't mean i submit to you. shocker. i know. and just because i express interest in something i may need doesn't mean i'm submitting to you either. it just means i'm bottoming to you for a while, and my submission isn't even close to being on the table. if you think bottoming is inherently submission, you would in fact be very, very wrong.

the irony here is you could argue that all the time i just spent on this blog post could have been used on the xyz thing i was told to do, but here's the thing: i chose to write this out of my own free will. this is my space, no one dictates what i write here. being told to do something else just isn't going to fly unless you're a professor at my college and i'm a student in one of your classes.

little lost kitty

"little lost kitty" are the tags i like to wear in second life. initially they simply amused me, but as ezee abandoned me and the rest of the harem, they become poignantly symbolic. i am a little lost thing, trying to find my way through a virtual world. my appearance is ever-changing based on my mood, (human, fae, elf, mermaid, angel, demon, animal, whatever tickles my fancy), but for the most part i am a tall, pale woman with midnight hair and pinky-violet eyes that i love to death. they were listed as "nebula" when i got them, (i think they were free as a group gift, i don't remember anymore) and i still get lost in their depths when i gaze into my avatar's face.

for the first part of my time on second life after i returned from my hiatus i had a fairly standard avatar and flexi hair, with a skin that has now long since been retired and goofy yellow eyes, but unless my appearance requires a change my eyes are always a nebula now. when i went mesh i was maitreya, but my head was still a standard little head with a shitty skin. i had mesh hair, mesh skin, mesh clothes and shoes, but i still had a fuck-tastic head and a face that only looks good in a 1999 video game with pointy madonna boobs and a penchant for cuccoos.

it annoyed me. i went on a hunt for a better skin, but one that looked similar to the one i had at the time so that i wouldn't lose my sense of self. i did find it after a few months of looking, but there was a problem. it was only for a mesh head, and those aren't cheap. so i saved up lindens. months and months of saving. going to a premium account helped with the weekly stipend, and eventually i had enough to buy a mesh head and the skin all at once. i spent four thousand linden that day. with trepidation i put on the new head, and rolled my eyes at the default skin, but then i applied the new skin i had just bought. it took a few moments for the omega to accept my command via clicking a box, but the head then turned red as it loaded. i zoomed in, holding my breath. as soon as it cleared, a better version of my old face stared back at me.

i was ecstatic. my face looked like an HD version of my old one, and it had dark brows that match my real life ones. it was also animated, so i played around with the menu watching the smoothness of the face responding to my clicks. makeup, ears, hair base, expressions, over and over i clicked and clicked and fell more and more in love with it. this was forever going to be my face now, i may wear other skins but i am never taking off this head.

this new look, new hair, new wardrobe, for me it was crucial in trying to repair my destroyed self esteem. being a standard avatar as long as i was, (about a year and a half i think) it lurked deep in my mind that maybe i was brushed aside for the latest harem girl was because she was mesh and i was not. more importantly, kitten is a creator. admittedly the very first time i laid eyes on her, i absolutely hated her. i don't remember what was going on that day, i just remember i was logged off on sl and jason, (or vemyr as i refer to him on sl) was sitting by the fire pit listening to her as she explained this alien avatar she was wearing that she had apparently made herself. i thought she looked like the worst of abominations, but i kept my mouth shut since jason had his mic on.

i hated the way she walked, the way she talked, and the way ezee was completely enamored with her. see, i hadn't been told that kitten was the new girl in our poly harem. io knew about me when i was introduced to ezee (she introduced me to him!) and later brought into the fold, but i had no idea kitten existed. what i do remember is a deep, burning envy as she stole all his attention away. i remember thinking "what about me? aren't i special?" as he cuddled her for hours while i sat helplessly on a log across from the fire, with io nearby and the other two girls who were on at the time relaxing and doing their own thing. to this day i don't know tarca (she-who-must-not-be-named, aka cunt face) and rayne's opinion on her, but i also don't really care.

what really sticks out in my memory, was when io whispered in my inbox that she had picked up on my despondent mood and was gonna let ezee have cuddle time with me since he was getting tired. ezee got up, and so did kitten. she kissed him goodbye and tped to where ever, (i think her skybox but idk) and then he stood there, alone. i felt an overwhelming need to run into his arms, but something made me hesitate. when i did, he left as well. surprised, i thought that maybe he had crashed so i pulled up the mini map to see if he had and then logged back in up in his skybox. instead i saw their dots together, way above me. my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces, and as i wept i became aware of a blistering hate that has never really gone away.

to say i loathe kitten is an understatement. every fiber of my being screamed at me to destroy her, but i didn't. i grew distant, a pixelized ghost as christmas neared. my black moods became infamous as i snapped and lashed out like a wild animal, and i didn't regret it one bit. when i found out that kitten had left the harem, i was glad. selfishly glad that she couldn't handle it and was now gone, and rayne and i (tarca was out of the picture at this point, btw fuck you tarca, fuck you with a lemon covered spiky broom) would get more time with him and io. i was wrong.

instead i was treated to months long fuckery that i'm not going to bother to get into, but basically as of december 2016 i left ezee in my heart, and july ish of this year i walked away physically. i still hate kitten and kinda hope she died in a ditch somewhere. i know, fucked up. i don't care. but what this whole debacle taught me is that dominants lie. dominants can't be trusted. and worse, i'm a fucking idiot when it comes to my boundaries. thankfully spending time at divine sadism has helped me to actually grow a spine, and to draw on my strength of steel to put men into their place. (divine sadism is a femdom sim based in female superiority.) it helped me realize where i went wrong when i tried being a domina to a submissive man in that brief relationship, and i learned heartache anew when a scum became dangerously close to my heart before his wife caught him and he had to leave second life for good.

i know that io and bryan and penalt and spitfire have all been worried about me. i know i'm not as vibrant as i used to be, that ezee's nonsense and jax's fuckery have damaged my heart (emotionally, not physically). i'm colder than i used to be, and i'm more like the shadows that i call home. grasping me is like grasping smoke, or a ghost. i'm there, but i'm an echo of what i used to be as a person. i'm lonely, i'm lost, i'm just floating around the grid trying to find a place to call home. when it gets bad enough i go to ymo to become the droid kitten, because it comforts me in a small way. i refuse to wear the droid helmet because i don't want to be a mindless drone, i still want to be who i am while still being droidkitten.exe sitting on a bench. io recently said that i need someone to fill my cup, and i both understand and am confused by this. what she meant is that i need a dominant, a male dominant, who knows my quirks and doesn't judge me for them. in real life, jason has everything down pat. on second life, i'm on my own and have been for nearly two years.

being alone has its pluses, i suppose. it means i can do whatever i want whenever i want, and spend linden or save it when i feel like it. it means i can star in pretty posters and fuck virtual porn stars without consequences.

it means i can be the co-head of a company that features my two besties.

it means i can grow as a DJ and maybe follow in io and spitfire's footsteps and go pro.

right now i have a glimmer of pride being the accidental poster-child of divine sadism as the resident DJ, and the glowing admiration of the crowds each month bring forth my vibrancy for that brief two hour period that i'm spinning the tunes. i just wish that there was more for me. as unity pointed out to me recently, all i've done is look back, and it's stalled me. i meant what i said back, i don't have anything to really look forward to. my future is as lonely as my present is, and that's not likely to change anytime soon. so i am a little lost kitty, trying not to drown in this turbulent sea as the void laughs at me and i try to take it the fuck out back.