bittersweet freedom

as of today, i have officially left divine sadism. i'd been thinking about it all month, and with the way i've been feeling i decided to slip back into the shadows and quasi-ghost the sim while i came to a decision. i was messaged this morning asking about my future there since i've been inactive, and i took that as an opportunity to bow out gracefully.

there are a lot of things i'm going to miss about the place, like the friends i had made and the fun games that were forever going on. and i'd be remiss if i didn't mention the lindens i made spinning tunes there.

but my path is no longer with divine sadism, so it was time to leave the sisterhood and fly solo to wherever i'm going to end up. i wish everyone there nothing but the best, they're honestly good people and with the ideas i'd implemented i know the sim will continue to do well.


freedom is bittersweet, but freedom is still freedom. i will take everything i've learned that's made me both a better kinkster, and a better person and apply that knowledge to future things.

and, she was right. i'm not a toxic person, i just need to let my light shine again.

flying monkeys redux

don't send people after me. i have been courteous, peaceful, and gone out of my way to keep the peace. i don't do this for you, i do it for me. i am tired of all the bullshit, and i am making my life better. i don't appreciate having people sicced on me for no reason other than to suit an agenda.

leave me alone.

my life

my life now, is definitely interesting. especially when i have changed my name, where i hang out on sl, changed my social circles, my company, and am working on making amends to a man who never lied to me. who only lied at the end, when it didn't matter because he was accused of it anyways.

my friends now, some of them i've kept and the others i am distancing myself from. i am grateful everyday for those who have stayed with me, supporting me and helping me get back on my feet while i explore new avenues.

i decide what events i want to do, i decide my shifts and place of employment. and i deliberately avoid locations that would cause conflict. there are places i don't go to on fridays or sundays, i go somewhere else to keep the peace.

everything about me i have done, has been to shed my old identity, and remove myself from a tarnished reputation. my life is steadily improving now, and i am quite happy with my newly collared sub that i adore above anything else.

the love and acceptance from the people important to me has been instrumental in this, and i've been buoyed by the positivity from all this. of course, the reward has been me teaching others, sharing my wisdom and observances. enlightening via knowledge, some of it i've known for years and others i've recently been learning myself and sharing with other people.

i'm researching new things, learning nifty techniques about silicone and how it interacts with pigments and paints. i haven't practiced any of it yet, just been watching and learning from others online.

but i do have one little word of note: i don't change what i do fundamentally to spite others, i do it for myself. if somehow you, dear reader, have come to an erroneous conclusion about me based on my blog entries, then i suggest perhaps stop reading them. what i choose to share in my space is a privilege, not a right.

penny

 every picture is worth a thousand words, they say. and of course, moments of silliness can often translate as serious in a photo.

but this one is the most important one, the one i will treasure always. for you are wearing the only thing that to me, is just as sacred as a wedding ring. it was an honor to lock it on, and call you my own. you are mine, you are owned, you are very much loved. <3

psychology and video games

no, this is not going to be one of those silly-ass pop psychology posts or something filled with bullshit pseudo-science. i like to think i have a brain, thank you very much. lmao

i'm just making an observation based on something i've noticed while playing skyrim. bethesda has really done their research into the psychology of video games, as i can't help but notice the way my mind reacts when i'm playing the game.

attachment to a horse, playing games with an adopted child, concern for followers that tail me into dungeons and caverns. it's quite brilliant actually, it's given me ways to analyze my emotions and process things in a new way without even really thinking about it.

in fact, it's somewhat inspired me to write a skyrim story. not sure if it'll ever see the eyes of others, but it's possible. all because of psychology and video games.

missing my friends

it's one of those nights where my heart begins to ache, and i look at profiles and pine. i miss my friends that i made in kardoloth, but i have no idea what would happen if i tried to contact them. i have no idea if anything was said about me or not, and if there was, what was said.

i miss keeran, the sassy dragon always looking to pick a fight. she was fun to rp with and watch her kick ass with her claws and wings in her human form.

i miss keedo, he was a cool elf in disguise, in reality a dragon trying to care for his hatchling grandson without anyone in the kingdom finding out. he was a blast pretending to get drunk with, and the ensuing shenanigans made me laugh long and loud.

i miss zahla, we weren't close but she always said "hee" instead of lol, and i found that to be a really interesting quirk. she made hanging out in the lobby fun, and she looked to me for rp advice as a noob who was suddenly drafted to be the head of the druids.

and most of all, i miss draven. i found myself caring for him, maybe because our rp was easy and fun, and though he made me vampire chow, i started going around looking for him. part of me wonders because something about him reminded me of parzival, but on a far gentler level. he's a good man, a good roleplayer, and i guess i will always wonder if our characters would have ended up hooking up.

i want to talk to them, but i am afraid to. i am afraid of harsh words in the wake of things, i am afraid of enduring more pain at the hands of lies and deceit. so more silence stretches between us, and i find myself wondering if they ever think about me at all, or if i'm already forgotten.