annoyance

you know how when you write a blog, you're essentially writing for an audience? well this is me going "for the love of god, announcing to people that you not only read my blog, but you want me to stop writing about x, y, or z is really fucking irritating."

so yes, yolanda, this entry is about you. congratulations. you've finally annoyed me enough to actually call you out by name, instead of just using pronouns like a classy person does.

so here's the thing, yolanda: NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU.

yes, i am dedicating the attention you so desperately crave in an entire entry devoted to your bullshit because i am just so goddamn tired of having to tiptoe around your horsefuckery.

fact number one: i never threatened your fucking kids, you fucking cockwaffle. that was for you. if you don't like my blog, stop fucking reading it and get some professional help because your obsession with me isn't pretty.

fact number two: the entry you fucking bitched about wasn't about you, because again, not everything is about you ya fat sack of shit.

fact number three: you need to move the fuck on.

fact number four: i do not give a flying fuck if you complain about my blog, it's my blog. lose my fucking url if you hate what i write so much. did you want a cookie? too bad. no cookie for you.


okay, with that out of the way, let's move on to other things, shall we?

i'm already aware that this blog entry is going to get back to certain people. i honestly don't fucking care because i am a grown ass adult with other shit to do. do you know how fucking irritating it is, knowing that after all this time some ignorant fat fuck is going over every entry with a fine tooth comb so she can whine about whatever bullshit she gleans from it?

it's fucking exhausting is what it is. so many things i wanted to write about, but couldn't, because the fat fucking cunt was trying to dig for non-existent dirt.

i've been the better person, i've taken the high road, i've not engaged and simply ignored.

why the fuck do i have to keep doing this? it's been a goddamn year since our falling out, and you still keep obsessively checking to see if i wrote about the great white whale or not. i openly made attempts to just write about other things, but no, yolanda had to get on her high fucking horse and bitch about things that had nothing to do with her, because she thinks it was about her.


GET SOME FUCKING HELP, YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING DISGRACE. JESUS.


seriously, yolanda, you need to seek professional help. obsession isn't healthy. just leave me the fuck alone. okay? okay.

oh, and nobody gives a shit about ymo because it's a fucking cult.

hope

cockwaffles aside, i wanted to talk about hope. my life has basically sucked pretty hard since my grandpa died, but it seems like now things are starting to look up again.

my family, a lot of whom i haven't gotten along with in years due to various reasons, stopped treating my brother like he's invisible. while i'm still not treated that great by some of them, i am grateful that they remembered his existence.

my cousins are either completely grown, or just about there, and i've been watching their lives unfold. it's kind of weird really, since i have tangled memories of when they were little and i was playing with them or babysitting them or whatever. but the adults they're becoming are so full of possibility, i'm kind of excited to see where their lives take them.

hell, one of my cousins that i used to be super close with has actually been clean for a couple years now. she's in college, got a job, doing really well. i'm really proud of her too, since we're fairly close in age.

some of my friends are getting married, having babies, and i'm pretty happy for them. it's nice seeing the people i care for having good times.

my art is starting to flow again, which hasn't happened either at all, or just barely since grandpa died. i also have mui mel too, which has been nice.

so instead of my world being dark, the dawn is finally coming again. so i am full of hope.

to my stalker

IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT I PUT IN MY BLOG THEN STOP FUCKING READING IT YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING COCKWAFFLE
 

to reap what you sow

i'd be lying if i said the news didn't make me happy. i knew it was coming, known for a year because that's how it always goes. once she's drained you of your money, she moves on. sure, he wised up and dumped her while he still had funds left, but you're gonna be feeling that financial mistake for a long time.

i have no sympathy. when i start feeling for him and all that he's gone through, i remember what he said when he tried to weaponize my heritage against me. to turn a sacred name into a pejorative for the sole purposes of hurting me.

y'know, your entire country has a history of doing that, good to see that it isn't dead. /s


you have reaped what you sowed.


she's already moved on to the next guy, and once he's drained dry she'll be on to the next with her sad tales of woe to garner sympathy. i'm willing to bet she'll lie and say that he raped her too, because it'll get likes on facebook and sympathy from poor souls who just want to do a kindness.


you reaped what you sowed.


while you go on your journey of mental health and healing, i hope the words you said to me out of anger and hate haunt you until you die. you can't hide behind a shiny new diagnosis, you knew that it was wrong and yet you said it anyways because you're just as toxic as she is.

you reap what you sow.

mui lúg

i wish i could post photos of you on this blog. but the stipulation was 'as long as people don't get in my face about it' and since there are known fugly ass harpies who stalk me from time to time, it's safer if i don't. i won't even use your name.

so i'll use one i've come up with to call you on here, since without translation nobody knows what it is, let alone the language. the odds are pretty good you'll never read this, but i wanted to type this out anyways. one of those therapeutic things.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

even with all the stresses from my life, online and off, just being around you is immensely calming. my worries melt away when i'm in your pixel arms, and things that seemed impossible before are doable now. 

you remind me to stop and breathe, you help me shake things off that normally affect me for days or even weeks in hours instead. your words center me in ways i'd forgotten were possible, and time stands still instead of rocketing faster.

i certainly had no idea when the lines blurred that i'd catch feelings, but i'm glad i did. spending so much time just healing from being hurt over and over i forgot what it can be like to just be happy. to light up when you see a screen name log in, to get a message greeting you in the morning.


no idea how this is going to play out, but i'm willing to just live in the moment with you.

mui lúg, mui aran, mui mel.
 

scifi con 2019

last year i did fantasy faire, and i was adamant about only being a guest this year. i got my wish, which was a huge breath of relief for me. i had the freedom to do whatever i wanted, so that is what i did. near the end of it i was approached with an offer to perform at scifi con.

i'd been curious, i heard about it last year but didn't attend as it's not normally my thing. then i figured, well it's for charity so sure; why the hell not. i gave the affirmative that i would play, and then picked out a late night slot for myself as at the time i was running nocturnal.

i explored scifi con as a whole a little bit, but it was about as laggy as the midas sim was. ended up mostly sticking to the event sim since that place had the least amount. didn't really bother me any aside from my complaining. 

i named my show "cyber sounds: music reloaded" and did some tracks from the matrix trilogy and a lot of dubstep themed along cyber, space, and galaxies. everyone had a good time (aside from me because i hadn't gotten a nap beforehand so i was very tired) and we managed to put a fair amount into the relay for life kiosks.

would i do it next year? 

nah. it was fun to do once though.

haunting

vera lee, haunting me, here with me

vera lee, watching me, carefully 

i admit, starting a blog off when you're tired and sleep deprived is probably not a good idea. there's less control over the words, maybe the flow is off or you pick up a weird vibe. or you miss words left and right and your dyscalculia decides that every word should be mixed up or backwards. or you add letters and invent new words when you're just trying to get thoughts out of your head.

probably would be a much better idea to wait to write this until i've gotten some sleep, but i might not have the courage to do so then. what's liquid courage when you have 'i'm tired and making decisions'? maybe it's because my thoughts are being unexpectedly haunted. i dunno.

why is she calling out to me?

 it started out like any other rp when i meet someone new on a sim where you're encouraged to create stories and push overall plot. being strangers our rp was stiff and cool, not sure how the other person interacted and getting a feel for the personality of the character. it took time to start relaxing a bit, but even then it depended on who's story was being pushed that day. 

one of my characters got a much warmer reception than the other, so i started using that one more. curiosity really, to find out just what it was about her that seemed to have such an impact. slowly, little hints and jokes began to appear. we warmed up to each other, and banter started forming. a friendship might be growing, as we became rp buddies. 

enter kit. kit was a newbie to the sim, and after a bit of a rough start where my character freaked her out and my router decided to ground me we fell to talking. and then, for no reason she dragged her new friend into the conversation to make it a group chat. i was startled but went on for the ride, and we continued our conversation.

she's a catalyst. or some kind of mystical charm. suddenly we were talking to each other, cracking jokes and telling stories from our past. an unexpected friendship formed, where it feels like we've known each others for years when we've actually only known each other for a short time. it's funny how that happens, i'm sure there's some kind of science behind it but i am currently far too tired to care enough to go look it up.

vera lee, haunting me, here with me

vera lee, watching me, carefully 

 the jokes started building, and kit started pushing us to do things to each other. we brushed her off, she's funny and endearing but you know how it is. a significant moment in rp, when i brushed against his fingers by accident when grabbing a curry brush to help out a horse that had gotten tangled in some bushes. it was a moment, as it had been one thing for him to lay a hand on my shoulder in comfort while my character tried to wrestle with the fragments of her broken mind, but another when she touched him.

i got the sense that he was starting to lay cards on the table, and of course he played quite an epic prank. i one hundred percent thought his avatar was going to kiss mine when he tipped my chin up, instead he vanished into thin air as he logged off. i laughed pretty hard over it, it was quite a clever trick and certainly had my attention since no one had ever done that to me before. 

kit keeps saying that we're flirting with each other, i think it's just witty banter with a bit of a sexual edge. admittedly though i am never aware of when i'm flirting, some fancy pants article from back in the day pegged me as a 'natural flirt' but i've never really cared to look into what that actually means. banter and witty repartee are my game, not whatever flirting is.

 the other day we were being rather playful in rp, i was making some veiled sex jokes when he responded in kind, and we went back and forth slowly escalating the subtle sex jokes until i got too tired to keep going because my stupid ass thought it would be a good idea to seek him out while i was sleep deprived. 

he thought it was funny that i had posted an exit post three times before actually leaving, and while i had been too tired to realize it, i merely replied that he's a little addicting; though i really do need to find a better word since that one is too strong. he's not like a drug. not yet anyways.

his response had me laughing pretty hard, and kit started in on how we're both dorks. she and i ended up talking last night actually, and she was going on about how we should just bang already. i told her "a good rp always has build up" and i got smacked for my efforts. lol.

it's been cautious interest, since i don't know if he's interested beyond my character. so far i've just been taking it slow, seeing what his cards are before i decide to sit down at the table and show mine. the tension has slowly been building between us, but i'm not sure where it's going to lead. admittedly it also feels like a good thing, to have someone interested in me for the first time since last april.

i guess we'll just have to see how deep the rabbit hole goes.

 

fuckbois

fuckbois never change. even if you're honest with them, they'll twist your words just to start drama because they're salty you wouldn't sleep with them. manchildren at best, and worst.

they always say they don't like drama either, yet they are always who fuckin' start it. apparently my year is gonna filled with stupid shit, again. ugh.

ah well, at least i'm having fun with my porn job and making new friends. there's a lot less drama in the porn community than there is at adult clubs in general.

fucking idiotic fuckbois.

unexpected

i had resigned myself to a relatively boring new year's eve to top off some good news i had gotten, (it's always fun to watch things explode from a distance) when something wholly unexpected happened.

a friend of mine, whom i've known for about twelve years now since it's january, randomly popped back up into my life via facebook live.

i'm still processing everything that's happened, but apparently when i actually stop actively looking, someone will show up.