untangling the web

admittedly this entry was originally gonna be about something else, but i can't bring myself to write about it yet as it is still very raw and painful. so instead, i'm writing about something that has been in the back of my mind for a long time now.

for two years, i have heard about a person being a liar. 'oh he lied about this' 'oh he lied about that' 'look at the proof right here of him lying' and at the time i bought into it, going from liking, even loving this person, to hating their very presence.

i am ashamed to admit i never took the time to talk to this person, i simply allowed myself to be swept up in the mob as his livelihood was ruined. his job, his company, his friends, his coworkers, everyone turned against him and i felt justified.

but in the middle of all this as it dragged on, i began to feel something wasn't right. at the time i couldn't figure out what, so i distanced myself in an attempt to try and see the bigger picture.

it took me way too long to realize all i had to go on were someone else's words. that all of us took her at her word. none of us questioned anything, we all accepted the proof as the gospel truth. it bothered me a lot, but what could i do? there was nothing that could be done, right?

well, i could ask him what happened.

so i did.

i asked him about the flood that supposedly never happened. he told me there was a flood, news coverage and anything. i remembered the reddit entry about people saying the city he was from was bone dry, and how that was touted as him lying.

so i asked him where the flood was. turns out, yeah the city was bone dry just like the redditors said, because the flood didn't happen there. the flood happened west of the city, in the countryside. and there are news articles to back it up.

https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-scotland-35259398
https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/aberdeen-flooding-river-don-bursts-its-banks-and-homes-evacuated-amid-warnings-of-danger-to-life-a6801826.html
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/weather/12089265/Flooding-in-Aberdeenshire-Scotland-in-pictures.html
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/scotland/12090860/Watch-Drone-captures-a-flooded-Aberdeenshire.html
https://www.pressandjournal.co.uk/tag/aberdeenshire-floods/
https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2016/jan/08/residents-flood-hit-aberdeenshire--weekend-scotland-record-river-levels

all those articles took me a few seconds to google. he was telling the truth the whole time, and none of us listened to him. i personally apologized to him, feeling like nothing but the scum of the earth. i saw the reddit entry, i took that as truth. it didn't occur to me until a few days ago to actually ask him, and he one hundred percent was telling the truth.

in fact he only lied one time, at the end when he was being accused of lying all the time to begin with. and that i can understand completely.

by untangling the web, i have learned that i was captured, hook, line, and sinker, and i feel awful for having believed it. but now that he knows i believe him, i have brought him some measure of peace. but i feel like a monster for never asking his side of the story.

SLB15

i was in fact telling the truth about doing the birthday event for second life, i just never specified what i would be doing. i am not on the performer list in any form, not DJing, not dancing, not backup for any troupe. instead, i helped work on a booth at the request of a friend.

i will not say which booth, or which sim it's on, but my work is proudly displayed. i am credited in a notecard because of my help, along with the others who all pitched in. honestly, i didn't expect to be credited for the hours i put in helping, but i am glad i was.

it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy knowing that people are seeing my research, and the time i put in did not go to waste. so, those patrons of SLB, you will come across me. just not my physical form. i hope everyone enjoys the bash and has a great time. :)

struggling/peace

apparently i've been chafing in my own bonds. i don't like censoring myself, especially in my own spaces. my therapist noted how much mental harm occurs when i do so, and suggested i stop. two years later, after having blissfully followed orders like a good little pup, i find myself stuck.

the act of censoring myself, being the bigger person, is costing me my soul while it brings peace into a home, because there's no more fuel for the fire. while i get headaches and frustrations, anything that happens was clearly not because of me, because of the simple fact the words don't exist.

i highly dislike going back on my word, but at the same time to resume as before brings a high likelihood that i will end up obsessing on the negatives, beating a dead horse until it's a powdered skeleton and gaining nothing but contempt from others.

i've been looking for a way to make peace with myself, to find other ways to vent out the poison that slips in here and there after i think i've purged it. so far that amounts to word vomiting in person, and remaining mum online. it's somewhat working, but it'll have to do.

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peace is fought for, after a battle. peace is won after a war, and the fruits are often much sweeter for it. i lost parzival, but i found someone else. someone not on second life, who enjoys messaging me on my phone at random intervals for hours. i'm cautiously optimistic, he's poly with an established partner, so there's no worry over a freakout thanks to monogamous denial.

been playing skyrim, since i was given a copy for christmas and then never touched it, just watched my husband do run-throughs. it's kind of fun, but i end up playing for too many hours and have aching hands and pained knees from where i sit by the tv.

hoping to at least make more progress with dreamwalker radio while i tinker around sl, spinning has me happy but soon i'm gonna have to do more legwork to get it more established.

life goes on

instead of quoting a bunch of songs that happen to have those words in their lyrics, i'll just go with the old adage, "time marches on" instead.

with summer looming ahead, my life has become busy again. spinning sets, tinkering with my company, networking with friends, i almost don't have any time for myself these days, which admittedly is a good thing.

too much alone time and my mind turns to the dark, so every day and every night at least one friend is bugging me, either on sl, facebook, or my phone in general. while i am grateful and thank my friends from the bottom of my heart, i also wish they'd kindly take a long walk off a short pier, lol.

as grumpy as i've been with their love and support, they all know that i have no intention of following through with my threats of biting butts and swatting heads. truthfully, as much as it annoys me that i am being imed by several people a day, i'm also secretly glad. it's hard to spiral when friends are forcing you to go socialize.

i guess it's kind of like zookeepers tending to a crotchety old lion, while it's grumpy and roars and growls at them, maybe even takes a couple swipes at the employees, they know the lion doesn't mean it because the claws are sheathed and the roars are just annoyed meows.

i've even made a few new, close friendships in the wake of everything, and while they simultaneously amuse and irritate me, i wouldn't trade them for all the money in the world.

since i hadn't invested too much in kardoloth its loss didn't register that far on my emotional radar, although i do miss the friends i had made there. i often think about draven, keeran, zahla, and keedo and wonder what they're getting up to.

i was friends with aelithe, but i'm betting whatever lies parzival told aralithe was relayed to her sister. while it does mildly suck to lose a friend, if she decided to believe him, well then that's her choice. i didn't actually know her that well, and was in the process of getting to know her when i stumbled upon her sister's relationship. so, i hope she has everything amazing going for her, and i hope her character does well in kardoloth. her sister too.

they're both great women, funny, off the cuff, and have no-holds-barred personalities like me. i'm sure that's what attracted him to them, and i don't blame him. i'm willing to bet they're monogamous, which is what he needs. i just don't think he realizes that either, and hopefully he figures it out before tanking another poly relationship because he thinks through denial it's mono.

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with pirate days coming up fast, i've been trying to find a balance in shifting my attention to rl and remaining active on sl. pride is coming up in august, and july usually just means heat and me being grumpy because i have to stay home instead of seeing the fireworks.

in the mean time, been trying to stay close to my sisters in divine sadism because their support has been a great boon to me. i see the divine as strong, beautiful women who don't let the weaknesses of society tell them what to do, and the way they open their arms to me, no questions asked when i need it further cements why i call that place home.

heh, i also call more than one place in second life my home, because they are homes to me in different ways. so divine sadism, sha'halen, and whatever the name of the clan darken and lofty have in bloodlines is also home. three homes, plus my linden home. four homes. what is math? lol

i might have lost the original point of this post, but essentially, life goes on and so do i. one day, one moment, one second at a time. i have been dragged kicking and screaming, but i'm here, and i plan to stay. for whatever reasons i come up with.

shock

so just when i start getting my feet under me, i get dealt a blow that knocks me flat on my back. and it seems that this is my life. two steps forward, three steps back.

parzival, the only conclusion i can come to is you still read my blog. since i logged in to find very nasty messages from you, and the knowledge that you kicked me out of kardoloth. i could go on a long rant, i guess, out of the hurt you have dealt me.

you wanted me to remain discreet about our relationship. i never told anyone publicly, in fact privately only about eight people knew about us. if i was asked, i never said your name, to respect your wishes. i demurred and referred to you as "my beau" so that people would leave it alone.

when you dumped me, no one knew publicly. the only people i told were the ones who knew we were dating. i never told anyone in kardoloth that we were together, and though i asked aelithe advice on how to go on pretending we were never an item, i never spoke your name.

i did everything you wanted me to. searched out fetishes, dreamed up ideas for scenarios. i kept what we had secret for three months, and no one in kardoloth had any idea. what i said in my previous entries is all true.

you claimed i talked down to you, but you never provided me the evidence so i could correct my behavior. in fact until you brought it up, i had no idea i was doing anything wrong. i thought we were doing okay.

even when i stumbled across your new love aralithe four days later, i kept silent. only three people knew that i had encountered your new girlfriend until i turned to my blog to pour out my pain. i stayed out of kardoloth while i processed the pain.

i never hinted to any of the members what was going on. none of them knew.

i won't forgive you, and i won't forget who you really are, parzival. but what i won't do is pursue you in hate. you're blocked now, to protect me. you're banned from my home, though i doubt you care, and you probably banned me from the kardoloth sim.

what i won't do, is ever divulge what had been said to me in confidence. i'm not that kind of person. but just remember, parzival, is that while i will keep my peace, there is a price we all have to pay. karma, as it were, karma affects us all. this isn't a threat, this isn't a promise, this is simply informing.

by hurting me, you have hurt yourself. you just don't know it yet.

the fate of the concubine story

so, i have actually been working on part four of concubine off and on, it's just sitting in my drafts. but in light of my breakup, i should probably mention several things:

1) although it is entirely a made up story, i did base concubine off of myself and parzival.

2) the photos will likely stop, aside from selfies.

3) since parzival dumped me, i will likely eviscerate him in fiction by changing jhaeros' behavior into abhorrence.

4) i will still write concubine, it'll just be slower while i process my emotions.

5) part four is a sex scene.

6) i have no overall plot in mind aside from making jhaeros someone to hate. #writersrevenge


and that's about it, really.

new beginnings

with all the support of my friends so far, i have so many new beginnings now. new name, new home base, new company. i'm still hammering out the logistics, but i can officially say that dreamwalker radio debuted wednesday, may 30th at bouddicea. i've laid the ground work for my station, but i will need to find places to put posters, figure out how to generate ad revenue, and then look around other places and see how prices are set up so that i can charge potential employees and whatnot fairly.

of course, i'll also need people to create ads, and then figure out maybe google drive or something to hold the necessary files for employees and all that jazz. right now it's just me, but i have management in place for the group and as i go on i'll lean on experienced people for help getting dreamwalker radio off the ground.

it's kind of fun throwing myself into a new project, and with my shiny new stream life is starting to look up again. i've been at peace earning my keep at bouddicea and sha'halen, and of course divine sadism and hopefully soon the devil's angels too.

i still get anxious over my DJ abilities, but every linden reminds me that i must be doing something right, and hearing the feedback from new patrons makes me happy. when i spun at sha'halen on saturday, one of the new people there mentioned they liked how i spoke because i was laughing over how i had no idea what a song's name was for two years until someone finally requested me to play it, lol.

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i'm still pretty sad over parzival dumping me, but seeing his behavior has clued me in that i may have actually dodged a bullet with him. he claimed i spoke down to him in public, which i was completely unaware of, but twice now he has called men "cucks" in public chat, once in all seriousness and the second time as an alleged joke.

plus there's the whole fact he made an mgtow speech and accidentally posted it in the kardoloth group, as opposed to my inbox out of left field for no reason. i remember we'd been talking about nothing in particular, just shooting the breeze when he suddenly posted that speech "as a response to when women claim they want equality."

i had mental whiplash over that one, and now that i really think about it there were times when we seriously disagreed on things, like me being a bernie supporter and him not. i don't remember if the subject of trump ever came up, but i kind of wonder if he leaned in that direction.

i know viking/viktor and i had vehemently disagreed because he was a trumper and me a berner, but the final blowup that lead to me blocking him was a childish speech on how i was the bad guy for calling him out on being homophobic and promoting toxic masculinity, so i sent a vicious retort and kicked his ass out of my life forever.

parzival and i are very much not on speaking terms while i heal from the breakup, but more and more i find myself hating him. i think it's just one of those things where i'll be angry and hate for a while, but depending on behavior that usually goes away.

then again, his quirks that i used to like now drive me insane, and i completely resent him now. i think the root of that is the fact that after i stumbled across his new girlfriend four days after he dumped me, i found out he uses the same pet names for her that he did for me; which oddly enough are also the same pet names he used for his ex, phoebe.

meh, that's all behind me now. no point in dwelling on it, especially with my new name and new home. fuck that bastard with a rusty rake.