gratefulness

over the last few days and nights, i have to say i'm feeling really grateful for my friends. rosa, tanarra, seth, pen, rej, val, bryan, lofty, darken, all of you guys have been the stabilizing force while i get my feet back under me and move forward with my new plans. and the other people i've been leaning on, like jess, marci, sapio, and passion, i may not know you as well as i would like, but i am grateful for you all the same.

knowing that when i am feeling down a multitude come forward to help is a shining light in my darkness, and of course i repay the favor without question when my friends need me too. this beautiful network of support is something that i'd been looking for for a long time, and i'm glad to have finally found it. and i'm also proud that i managed to create this network by just being myself.

i have no idea how to pay back such kindnesses, so i just do what i can because it feels right to me.

each person is so beautiful in their own way, and together we are a shimmering galaxy of lights, and i appreciate each and every one of them. i could go on and on about them, but i think i'll leave it here. thank you, everyone who has reached out to me and coaxed me into bigger and better things.

moving forward

so, as you could probably tell, i was absolutely furious in my last post and let the venom flow. now that i've gotten that out and off of my chest, i am going to work on moving forward from here. i've done what's been necessary to achieve that both short and long term, so that i won't be tempted to sabotage myself.

i'll still be writing about things in my life, but as for the consent issue, i'm going to let that fall by the wayside as i have established that it happened, and it was wrong. i won't continue beating this horse as it will simply become an issue of dwelling instead of solving.

part of this is an olive branch to a mutual friend who spoke to me on discord tonight, and another part is that if i don't start finding ways to move on, i'll be stuck on it forever. i won't grow from this, i'll be stunted and that just won't work out for anybody.

if i continue to hate, then i won't gain anything. if i continue to push this issue, then all that will happen is more strife between friends. and that's the last thing that i want. so, i am going to let it go. obviously there will be moments where something'll happen and i'll get cranky about it, but the odds of me writing about it may become slim-to-none.

trust

it's funny, that word. trust. io claims that "because of what i did" she's lost trust in me, and "even if i apologize" i won't get it back.

what makes you think i'm sorry? you've needed your ass kicked for a long goddamn time and i am personally relishing the fact that your own flesh-and-blood family has turned on you. every word that is rightfully hurled at you, every action, every behavior. you. earned. this. you can play the role of 'poor me' to everyone you want, no one believes you anymore. your lies are coming undone.

i will never apologize for unity being a predator. for speaking up because the others are too afraid. i will never apologize for people siding with me because what she did was wrong. i don't want to be unbanned from ymo, i want that sim burned to the ground and the ashes scattered to the wind. it's funny how you're listening to her though, just like i thought you would.

i have the ace in the hole though, and i don't even have to do a goddamn thing. i don't spread rumors, so the only people who know that my consent was violated are about eight people or so. well, ten counting io and spitfire. so i haven't gone around talking about it because i really don't need that kind of attention. and with my new schedule, it would be ridiculous to do so as it would cost me my jobs.

out of respect for someone very dear to me, i have removed the paragraph that was here at their request.

it's also hilarious that you had to do a trance to purge your own memories of me too, because you can't handle ever being wrong. i hope you did it wrong, i hope you fucked up and lost important things. because this is the karma you reap for yourself. this is the house of cards finally beginning to topple. and it's so, so good.

if you lost all memories of spitfire, i will laugh every day. every chance i get, because your stupidity will have ruined her. all because you're too goddamn immature for a woman in her forties.

by the way, is the "doing things you don't condone" things like divine sadism? because you brought me there, dummy. you're not my anchor, you big fat land whale on legs. you haven't been my anchor since i revoked your right to dominate me in 2016. my anchor is my support network, which, by the way, doesn't include you. you supporting me beyond lindens is fucking laughable.

instead of supporting me when i got the fantasy faire job, you whined that i didn't bring up your name too. instead of supporting me when i quit the old guard, you just talked shit. instead of supporting me when my stalker showed up, you told me to ignore him and sicced a psycho on me. that's not support, that's trying to fucking control and suppress me. you don't like it when i'm not in your shadow.

i hope your pain never goes away, that every second you take a breath you are reminded that you sided with a consent violator, therefore you are the one that cannot be trusted.

one last thing, because i'm a petty motherfucker: did you get rejected for second life's birthday event? because i didn't, and i didn't even sign up. :)

dumped

three months. that's how long we lasted. three months, and "i think we should remain friends" flashes across my screen.

i was completely floored. i had no idea it was coming, but i just know that i am not exactly taking this too well. been feeling pretty bitter and angry since it happened a couple days ago.

i'm lost again, floating in space with nothing to anchor me.

stabbed in the back

funny, it's been years since i felt like this. i know i've been battin' a thousand lately in regards to a couple fuckups i've made, but i do not hold shame that i vented to two of my friends about being tranced without my consent.

i have been angry, and rightly so. my consent was violated. i was not given a choice, and i decided to walk away and process my rage. it has not abated, not in the slightest. so i chose to vent, because i figured it would help. i was not surprised that my words were taken to them, they were angry with her as well. nor was i surprised that i logged in to see a message so passive-aggressive from that person.

high school ended for you before i was born, maybe leave that shit to the teenagers, okay?

instead of playing her little game, since i was likely blocked anyways, i blocked that mind-raping bitch and unfriended her. so i have been working on moving on, letting it go like water down a penguin's back. i call the act "penguining" because i find it cute.

until i read io's blog. where she questioned my ability to consent, to be dominated.

the knife in the back is a nice touch, by the way. thanks.

apparently being near io after she told me to 'ignore' my stalker, she may have told unity to trance me. WITHOUT TALKING TO ME FIRST.

i never gave consent! being on the ymo sim is not giving consent! being at one of your stupid dances is not giving consent! me consenting is giving consent!

so, tell you what. you want to believe unity so badly, go for it. enjoy her using people without consent. enjoy her scaring people off because she doesn't give a choice. i hope that fucking bed is nice when you lay in it.

she's not a dominant of me. she never was. and ordering me to take pills and go to bed is not fucking okay. from you, or her. you are not my dominant. you haven't been in two years. stop fucking acting like it.

my roots as a "professional"

i don't see myself as a professional anything, i just have the whole professional attitude.
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three years ago, i was bored after returning from my long hiatus from sl. i wanted something to do. grinder's was already gone so i couldn't sing, and i had no idea that being hired as anything was in fact something you could do on second life.

how and why are lost to time, but i ended up as a dancer for ezee at his club, and from there my then sister tarca got me to apply to a place called clint's joint. io worked there too, and maybe ezee but i don't remember.

i worked there for a time as a stripper, but i never made enough money on the listed tier to lose any clothing. one time i made enough to lose my top, but since we were on a moderate sim (who the hell puts a strip club on a pg sim anyways?) i had on pasties underneath to comply with the rules.

it wasn't too long before one of the staff members went absolutely batshit crazy and griefed everyone, and ejected all the staff present. we had all been snarking in our group chat about it, our personal clan chat, and i found out way after the fact that tarca then took everything we were saying to little one, the head dancer, and her dominant clint had us all fired.

cool. i remember being mad at the time, but it's been three years i don't give a shit now lol

briefly i worked at a place called club santorini as a host with tarca as a dancer, but when i lost internet for a couple months i was let go so discreetly i had no idea i was no longer an employee until i went to clock in for a shift. the bastards.

after that, in 2016 i began DJ training since i heard they made more linden than measly dancers. it took a few months of me mostly teaching myself with my trusty little program, when io and ezee stepped in and introduced me to sam broadcaster.

one night while they were training me via a group skype call, io decided i was ready. i made a general noise of assent in her direction, and she flipped the switch of the land we were on and made me live. needless to say i didn't take it very well, but they were both amused at my outrage and soothed my ruffled feathers to point out i was doing the same thing on air as i was doing off of it.

sometime that june i think it was, i got hired at a little club called mad hatter's. i made my debut early when diesel's stream wasn't working on his set, and i stepped forward and filled in for him. it made a hell of a first impression, that's for sure. after that i DJed that wednesday, thursday, and then friday as my official debut as DJ. that was when i also decided i only wanted to do it once a week.

i was there for a long time, and eventually after ezee super flaked i picked up a saturday shift at the old guard so io didn't up and die on me. two days a week was hard at first, but over time i got used to it and then even good at it.

december 2016 i submitted my letter of resignation to mad hatter's. i told fairie it was for a job opportunity, but the reality was i was furious over how my stalker had won her over as a friend and got himself unbanned from the sim.

i didn't return until the final week of mad hatter's before it closed down, to visit my friends and say goodbye. i don't miss it, but i miss some of the people. viper, rob, chel, chez, ..ha, i forgot their names. i guess their importance really has faded from my memory.

last year i got hired at a place called cougar's. worked there until the place closed, but i remain good friends with my boss, tigdon. he had made me the star of cougar's before guardian fucked everything up, but i don't miss any of my other coworkers since the place was a drama fest. io had worked there too, but had been let go for cutting her shifts early one too many times.

from there it was weekly at the old guard, monthly at divine sadism, and holidays at cfnm mansion when i wasn't filling in on a sunday party.

i was and am very proud for founding the divine sadism dances, and i still can't believe i DJed three of the four shows at fantasy faire. i still see myself very much as a small fry who doesn't know what she's doing, and i like it that way.

i'm nobody famous, my little fan club is tiny and i don't mind. i've got two jobs at two places that'll open soon, and that has me happy. i might luck out and get hired at this new place with bryan, i don't know yet. for all i know, i won't fit in there at all. i guess we'll see.