for the first part of my time on second life after i returned from my hiatus i had a fairly standard avatar and flexi hair, with a skin that has now long since been retired and goofy yellow eyes, but unless my appearance requires a change my eyes are always a nebula now. when i went mesh i was maitreya, but my head was still a standard little head with a shitty skin. i had mesh hair, mesh skin, mesh clothes and shoes, but i still had a fuck-tastic head and a face that only looks good in a 1999 video game with pointy madonna boobs and a penchant for cuccoos.
it annoyed me. i went on a hunt for a better skin, but one that looked similar to the one i had at the time so that i wouldn't lose my sense of self. i did find it after a few months of looking, but there was a problem. it was only for a mesh head, and those aren't cheap. so i saved up lindens. months and months of saving. going to a premium account helped with the weekly stipend, and eventually i had enough to buy a mesh head and the skin all at once. i spent four thousand linden that day. with trepidation i put on the new head, and rolled my eyes at the default skin, but then i applied the new skin i had just bought. it took a few moments for the omega to accept my command via clicking a box, but the head then turned red as it loaded. i zoomed in, holding my breath. as soon as it cleared, a better version of my old face stared back at me.
i was ecstatic. my face looked like an HD version of my old one, and it had dark brows that match my real life ones. it was also animated, so i played around with the menu watching the smoothness of the face responding to my clicks. makeup, ears, hair base, expressions, over and over i clicked and clicked and fell more and more in love with it. this was forever going to be my face now, i may wear other skins but i am never taking off this head.
i hated the way she walked, the way she talked, and the way ezee was completely enamored with her. see, i hadn't been told that kitten was the new girl in our poly harem. io knew about me when i was introduced to ezee (she introduced me to him!) and later brought into the fold, but i had no idea kitten existed. what i do remember is a deep, burning envy as she stole all his attention away. i remember thinking "what about me? aren't i special?" as he cuddled her for hours while i sat helplessly on a log across from the fire, with io nearby and the other two girls who were on at the time relaxing and doing their own thing. to this day i don't know tarca (she-who-must-not-be-named, aka cunt face) and rayne's opinion on her, but i also don't really care.
what really sticks out in my memory, was when io whispered in my inbox that she had picked up on my despondent mood and was gonna let ezee have cuddle time with me since he was getting tired. ezee got up, and so did kitten. she kissed him goodbye and tped to where ever, (i think her skybox but idk) and then he stood there, alone. i felt an overwhelming need to run into his arms, but something made me hesitate. when i did, he left as well. surprised, i thought that maybe he had crashed so i pulled up the mini map to see if he had and then logged back in up in his skybox. instead i saw their dots together, way above me. my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces, and as i wept i became aware of a blistering hate that has never really gone away.
to say i loathe kitten is an understatement. every fiber of my being screamed at me to destroy her, but i didn't. i grew distant, a pixelized ghost as christmas neared. my black moods became infamous as i snapped and lashed out like a wild animal, and i didn't regret it one bit. when i found out that kitten had left the harem, i was glad. selfishly glad that she couldn't handle it and was now gone, and rayne and i (tarca was out of the picture at this point, btw fuck you tarca, fuck you with a lemon covered spiky broom) would get more time with him and io. i was wrong.
instead i was treated to months long fuckery that i'm not going to bother to get into, but basically as of december 2016 i left ezee in my heart, and july ish of this year i walked away physically. i still hate kitten and kinda hope she died in a ditch somewhere. i know, fucked up. i don't care. but what this whole debacle taught me is that dominants lie. dominants can't be trusted. and worse, i'm a fucking idiot when it comes to my boundaries. thankfully spending time at divine sadism has helped me to actually grow a spine, and to draw on my strength of steel to put men into their place. (divine sadism is a femdom sim based in female superiority.) it helped me realize where i went wrong when i tried being a domina to a submissive man in that brief relationship, and i learned heartache anew when a scum became dangerously close to my heart before his wife caught him and he had to leave second life for good.
i know that io and bryan and penalt and spitfire have all been worried about me. i know i'm not as vibrant as i used to be, that ezee's nonsense and jax's fuckery have damaged my heart (emotionally, not physically). i'm colder than i used to be, and i'm more like the shadows that i call home. grasping me is like grasping smoke, or a ghost. i'm there, but i'm an echo of what i used to be as a person. i'm lonely, i'm lost, i'm just floating around the grid trying to find a place to call home. when it gets bad enough i go to ymo to become the droid kitten, because it comforts me in a small way. i refuse to wear the droid helmet because i don't want to be a mindless drone, i still want to be who i am while still being droidkitten.exe sitting on a bench. io recently said that i need someone to fill my cup, and i both understand and am confused by this. what she meant is that i need a dominant, a male dominant, who knows my quirks and doesn't judge me for them. in real life, jason has everything down pat. on second life, i'm on my own and have been for nearly two years.
being alone has its pluses, i suppose. it means i can do whatever i want whenever i want, and spend linden or save it when i feel like it. it means i can star in pretty posters and fuck virtual porn stars without consequences.
right now i have a glimmer of pride being the accidental poster-child of divine sadism as the resident DJ, and the glowing admiration of the crowds each month bring forth my vibrancy for that brief two hour period that i'm spinning the tunes. i just wish that there was more for me. as unity pointed out to me recently, all i've done is look back, and it's stalled me. i meant what i said back, i don't have anything to really look forward to. my future is as lonely as my present is, and that's not likely to change anytime soon. so i am a little lost kitty, trying not to drown in this turbulent sea as the void laughs at me and i try to take it the fuck out back.
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