grief, and other things

grief takes on many forms, in many ways. grief never really ends when you lose someone, and it took me until yesterday to figure out why. someone on my facebook shared an image that explained grief is the love you want to give someone desperately, but you can't because they're gone. that it comes out as a lump in the throat, pain in the chest, tears down a face.

and it made sense to me. even after eight years i grieve my son, and i realized it's because i love him so much even though he never got to take his first breath. that i still get a lump in my throat because i'll never kiss his skinned knees, never praise his artwork in school, or hear him explain his world and his friends. how he'll never know the joy of owning a dog, or petting the cat.

fuck, i got choked up just typing that.

but now it makes sense to me, and at this moment my heart hurts. not for me, but for her.

because she's trying to be strong for the one she loves, who is facing a family member with a terminal illness. and i can't bring myself to get too involved. it hurts too much. and the guilt eats me alive every time i take a breath. i had to distance myself because it was beyond anything i could help with. but a small voice whispers that i didn't have to, i chose to. and so i grieve quietly with her, with them, because i am unable to do anything else.

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in the two weeks since my sabbatical became official, i've been puttering around sl looking to pick up shifts. the idea has me happy, albeit somewhat busy which means i'm putting off a couple things again. i have snagged two more places under my belt, except both places are new and haven't had their grand openings yet.

i was made a co-owner of one of them, and hired a friend of mine who recently became available to work (see problems at the old guard). i shot a message over to my friend and boss that i was doing so, and then sat back to relax at the moulin rouge and get tangled up in petty drama.

it's driving me up the wall, but since the drama llama quit her job, i am now free to enjoy the dances again without a bee buzzing away in my bonnet.

the other club i've been quasi-hired at, is getting a makeover within the month, and i told the owner that i'm not in a hurry and to take their time. they're also working on a music logo for my company, and i've been puzzling over how to provide payment in my thanks and gratefulness. i don't really know how the power structure in mooncheeks music works, but i made io COO of it since it was her brainchild.

i place myself mentally under her in the totem pole, and i place spitfire under me as an employee, but above the fans. i want to start shopping around for people to hire, but we don't have an in-world headquarters. i can probably make that work though, that all of us are together as a company, and we come to you for parties and weddings and stuff.

probably kind of weird that for how good i am at hiring people, running messages, delegating and all that jazz, i never see myself in the boss/leadership position. i'm more comfortable as a lieutenant, the secondary who does all the things and makes the boss happy.