apparently i've been chafing in my own bonds. i don't like censoring myself, especially in my own spaces. my therapist noted how much mental harm occurs when i do so, and suggested i stop. two years later, after having blissfully followed orders like a good little pup, i find myself stuck.
the act of censoring myself, being the bigger person, is costing me my soul while it brings peace into a home, because there's no more fuel for the fire. while i get headaches and frustrations, anything that happens was clearly not because of me, because of the simple fact the words don't exist.
i highly dislike going back on my word, but at the same time to resume as before brings a high likelihood that i will end up obsessing on the negatives, beating a dead horse until it's a powdered skeleton and gaining nothing but contempt from others.
i've been looking for a way to make peace with myself, to find other ways to vent out the poison that slips in here and there after i think i've purged it. so far that amounts to word vomiting in person, and remaining mum online. it's somewhat working, but it'll have to do.
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peace is fought for, after a battle. peace is won after a war, and the fruits are often much sweeter for it. i lost parzival, but i found someone else. someone not on second life, who enjoys messaging me on my phone at random intervals for hours. i'm cautiously optimistic, he's poly with an established partner, so there's no worry over a freakout thanks to monogamous denial.
been playing skyrim, since i was given a copy for christmas and then never touched it, just watched my husband do run-throughs. it's kind of fun, but i end up playing for too many hours and have aching hands and pained knees from where i sit by the tv.
hoping to at least make more progress with dreamwalker radio while i tinker around sl, spinning has me happy but soon i'm gonna have to do more legwork to get it more established.
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