the power of music

i've loved listening to music for as long as i can remember. my mom said when she was pregnant with me she listened to ozzy osbourne a lot, and when i was a baby the only thing that put me to sleep was "goodbye to romance" being played near my crib. it's still one of my favorite songs, and i continued the tradition with my daughter. my husband and i would play "dreamer" by ozzy and sing it to her as an infant, and it would put her right to sleep.

nearly all of my childhood memories that i still have, involve music. singing, either with my mom, or friends, or girl scouts. music when i was happy. sad. angry. suicidal. every emotion is covered in music, and it has been the biggest healer for me and my mind.

when i struggled as a teen in therapy, i turned to music for help. it was a very long time before i discovered the term music therapy, but it's something i've been doing for about sixteen years or so. no matter how i feel, there's a song out there that i can relate to and feel better with. the artists that scream and cry and roar out my pain, my emotions, it was the best way for me to cope. they said what i couldn't, and it showed me that i wasn't alone.

in fact the biggest influence on me musically was linkin park. chester bennington had a way with words, and no matter how bad i felt, he was there for me. singing about his pain, struggling to break free and fight back the demons keeping us awake at night. i was devastated when i learned of his death, because he had been there for me in an intimate way nobody else had ever been.

when i confirmed that his suicide was real, i went to the internet. using a combination of google and my music program for DJing, i downloaded every studio album linkin park had ever done, up to one more light. i still listen to the band religiously, singing along to my favorite songs like numb, one more light, waiting for the end, points of authority, crawling, and several others.

music has helped give me the strength to fight back, to get the ability to keep going when i didn't want to. music is my therapy, my confidante, my lover, my friend. music is everything to me.

there is power in music. there are countless tracks i have listened to where i get goosebumps, when i feel my hair stand on end and run down my body like lightning. i had to look up what ASMR was to understand that's what i've been experiencing. wearing a style of fitbit shows music affects my heart rate, and that i can be left breathless and jittery after a particularly poignant aria.

every song has energy, good and bad. every song has a heart, and it beats within me.